I Made It!

Well, I made it through the first day of the 2012-2013 school year.  I'm not going to say it was easy because it definitely wasn't.

After an emotional evening last night, I woke up this morning telling myself I wasn't going to shed any tears today. I kept trying to get myself excited for this school year because I was excited to meet the new little faces but also very scared for another new beginning.

I kept myself together while getting ready and thought it was going to all go smoothly ... then ... I got into my car.  I'm not sure what it is about the car but it gets me every time. I wasn't even out of the driveway before I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

I was able to compose myself before getting work and dove right in finishing up some last minute things before the students would arrive.  My assistant came in and we started talking and I lost it again.

Why?
Why is it hitting me all right now like a ton of bricks?

He is on my mind constantly thinking about things I was to tell him and stories to share. What would he think about my room and kids this year?

Why?
Why didn't he get to meet this group of students?

Why is it going back to work that seems to be so hard?

I keep going back to that question of why.  I just wish I understood why he had to be taken at 25 with so much life ahead of him.

But, I made it through the day and my mom, brother, and sister-in-law brought me lunch!!!

Bring on day 2!

Missing Him

It's starting to hit me hard that he's really not going to come back.  Why does it take 3+ months for this to happen?

This has been one of the toughest weeks I've had since April.  I have cried more tears than I have since April I think.  I'm just starting to miss him in everything I do.  

I finally bought a photo album to put our engagement pictures and other pictures of us together in.  I hate that my memories of him will be in a book, especially a book that has an end.  I won't be able to continue this book with pictures of him. That's very hard to take in.

Life is too short.  Never hesitate to tell each and every person the means so much to you how much you love them.  You just never know when that day will come that you won't get the chance. I hope Robo knew just how much I loved him. Each and every day he would say, "you'll never know just how much I love you."  What I'd give to hear that one more time.  

                                    One of my favorite engagement pictures ...

"My heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." ~Sara Evans

Lastly, posting one of my favorite songs right now... gets me every time!

A New Beginning

I never would've dreamed that a new school year would seem to be the hardest thing for me. 

As the year approaches (Teacher's first day is TOMORROW), I find myself missing my Robo more and more. I can chalk it up to just another beginning without him.  

Usually at the beginning of the year, he would at least come and help me once in my classroom. My past two classes knew him and were excited each time he came into the classroom.  It hurts to know that these kids will never get to meet him, but I'm sure they will know about him. 

I pledge to let Robo live on forever.  I will share his story. I will wear his ring.  I will display his pictures. 

I will always be a proud fiance, but it truly saddens me that I will never be able to call him my husband ....

3 Months

I just can not believe that it's been 3 months.

-3 months since I've kissed him
-3 months since I've hugged him
-3 months since I've heard his voice
-3 months since I woke up to him saying "Good Morning Beautiful" and my response being "shut up!". He loved saying that to me every morning when I got out of bed with  my hair a mess and sleepy eyes and each morning he just laughed when I told him to "shut up!"'

If I knew then what I know now, I would've held on a little tighter, kissed a little longer, and told him just how much he meant to me before he left for work that day.  I would've called him just one more time on my way to hear his voice.  I would've text him during the day again to show how much I loved him.

The past few days have been very tough.  I've been missing him so much I can't hardly stand it. 

What I would give to "argue" one more time about who loved whom the most, cook one more dinner, spend one more evening cuddling on the couch, one more night in bed talking about everything under the sun.

I love you to infinity and beyondest Robo William, and I can't wait for the day to see you again. Please continue to stay with me and help me make it through each day.

                                               Our Little  Family - Fall 2011

I'll leave with a song. One of Robo's friends shared this song with me, and it just seems perfect.

My Worst Nightmare Coming True

April 23 was just another normal Monday. It was back to work after a weekend of beginning our wedding registry, purchasing Robo's "dream" lawn mower, attending a friends party (in which Robo was slightly overserved), and spending Sunday using the new mower and grocery shopping.

                                                 Robo's Dream Come True!

 It started off just a normal day. When I got out of bed, we had our usual coversation.

Robo: Good Morning Beautiful!

Me: Shut up!

and Robo would just giggle.

When he was ready, he would come give me a kiss bye, tell me to have a good day, and leave for work. Usually every morning he calls after he gets to work so I wasn't surprised to hear from him. He called to tell me plans had changed. He would be running a different route that day because one of the guys called in sick and he would make more money off of this route.  I asked what time he would be home, and he said he wasn't sure.  I knew he would call me when he got off work.

It was a busy day for me at work. I was supposed to be out of my classroom Tuesday and Wednesday for meetings, so I spent all of my free time working on sub plans for those days. It was unusual for me to not be in contact with Robo at all, but I was so busy I didn't get the chance to text him during the day.

After work, I got in the car to head home and tried to call him.  He didn't answer, but this was normal to me. Usually he wouldn't answer if he was driving or loading the truck, so I figured he would call me back.  Instead, I called my Mom and talked to her most of the way home until my phone cut out on her.

As I turn onto my street, I see a car parked in front of the house. I didn't think much because there was a house across the street being renovated and there seemed to be strange cars there quite often. As I got closer and realized there was someone sitting in the car, I became a little more concerned.  I pulled into the garage and sat in my car for a minute.  In the rear view mirror, I saw a man walking down the driveway towards me.  My first thoughts were "Oh no, what did I do?!?!"

I get out of the car and he continues to approach. He begins by asking me who I am. He then shows me his badge and tells me he is the Macon County Coroner. He continues by saying the words I will NEVER forget "Your fiance was found dead in his work truck today." I begin by telling him he doesn't have the right person.  This couldn't be true!  We were planning to get married!  Life just doesn't happen like this ....

He tries to console me and says we need to go inside to sit down.  Before even getting into the house, I call my mom.  Of course, she says she will be at my house right away.  After going into the house, I ask if his family has been notified.  They had no record of his family, so I let them know.  He asked if I wanted him to get in contact with their county coroner to go tell his Mom, and I immediately said NO! As much I didn't want to, I knew I had to tell her. 

I made that dreaded phone call.  I couldn't tell you what I said, but I called her and somehow told her that her son was found dead.

The next few hours are a total blur.  I called MANY people, and many showed up at the house. I just couldn't believe this really happened. 

I kept thinking, in a few minutes he was going to pull into the driveway and make this whole nightmare go away ......

Robo and I - From the Beginning

Our First Picture together - July 2010

                                      

Robo and I met online sometime in 2008. I remember talking to him frequently when I first began teaching and telling him all about it (which I'm sure he thoroughly enjoyed ... NOT). After a couple months of talking, we lost contact. I wasn't too upset because we lived an hour and a half away from each other and just simply didn't see it working out.  

Well, a little over a year later, we happened to both be logged into yahoo and strike up another conversation.  Little did I know this would be the beginning of a wonderful ride!We continued to "talk" for many months (with one minor "distraction" ha!) and finally had a "face-to-face" meeting in March of 2010.  At this point, I felt like we knew everything about each other because we would talk almost every night.

We simply just took off from this point. We never had the awkward dating moment and just enjoyed each others' company when we were together.  He met my entire family on Memorial Day weekend, and I met his sometime in June.  He officially asked me to be his girlfriend on July 11 (his birthday).

We spent as much time as possible together, which meant him making the drive to see me at least 2 (sometimes 3) times a week. We fit into each others families perfectly and it just seemed like the picture perfect relationship with arguments, smart ass comments and all. We had our ups and downs, but it was simply amazing.  I feel like Robo was the "Prince Charming" that God sent to me to spend the rest of my life with.  To top that off, he reminds me (and my family) SOO much of my Dad who passed away in May 2006.  He looked like him, talked like him, and acted like him.  Being with Robo was just like having a little piece of my Dad back on earth. I felt like my Dad had a hand in sending me a man who was just like him. 

In February of 2011, he made the decision to move over to where I lived, so we could start our lives together.  We bought a house together and continued to build what we had. 

On Saturday, September 3, 2011, my DREAM came true.  He planned a "very romantic" proposal, and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. 

Engagement Pic (Fall 2011)

                                                  

We soon chose September 29, 2012 as the day we would join in marriage and wedding plans took off!  We were living the dream by planning a wedding, spending as much time as possible with family, and simply enjoying each other!

The time continued to fly as we were counting down until September.  Making plans, booking venues, creating the wedding list, etc.Life was wonderful and everything seemed to be falling into place quite nicely!

Christmas 2011