On My Mind

To say that Robert is always on my mind is a definite understatement.  I think of him at least a million times a day and what each day would be like had he still been here with me. 

This past weekend, he seemed to occupy more of my time and it was one of those weekends that I found myself missing him more and more. I'm not sure what it was that caused this, but every free moment I had was spent thinking about him and missing him being right there with me.  I spent part of the weekend at my Grandma's, and I felt a huge hole being there without him.  The last time I stayed the night there was during my break in the spring when I took my wedding dress over there.  He wasn't with me, but of course, I talked to him quite a few times while I was there.  Sitting in the family room visiting with family made me miss him, because I missed his smartass comments and contributions to the conversation.  Going to church was very difficult.  I had to fight back tears because I hadn't been to my Grandma's church since my cousin's wedding in February and Robert was by my side. 

It's amazing how sometimes its the simple little things that bring back all the emotions and grief. Yesterday, I attended a bridal shower for a good friend who Robert and I actually "set up" her and her now fiance. The time there was fun seeing many coworkers and friends, but I got in the car to drive home and the tears started falling.  Here comes that bad feeling of missing out on celebrating my bridal shower.  Not because I wanted the gifts, but more because that would be one step closer to the dream wedding that was being planned.  

Today Robert and I should be celebrating our one month anniversary of being Mr. and Mrs. We should be reminiscing the wonderful events of our wedding. Instead, I sit here thinking it's been 189 long, dreary days since I last woke up to him right beside me and heard his sweet voice.

The days seem to only get longer, but I just think that each day that goes by is one day closer to being reunited with him again in Heaven. 

6 Months

August 13, 2011

6 months ago today my life changed forever.  A very typical Monday made a turn for the worst the instant I pulled into my driveway.  I lost my best friend, my fiance, and the person that could make me smile no matter the kind of mood I was in. There's so many times I think back to the events of that week and question if all of that really happened. I NEVER dreamed that at the age of 26 I'd lose the person that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  How unfair. 

These past 6 months have been very trying and I feel like I've just been an emotional roller coaster. Some days I accept what happened and thank God for the years, months, weeks, days, hours, and seconds that I had with Robert because he truly was an angel sent into my life. Then there's days that I'm angry. Crying and screaming at God for taking him and Robert for leaving me.  Other days, I'm just plain sad.  Sad that he's gone, sad for all the things we didn't get to experience together, and sad that I have to live the rest of my life here on earth without him by my side.  That's such a hard concept to grasp. 

I've experienced emotions that I never thought I'd have.  The biggest being jealousy. I've never been a jealous person, but grief has brought that into my life. Jealous of those that get to get married and live their happily ever after. Jealous of those that get the chance to start a family by having a child together. I hate feeling jealous, but there's days that I just can't help but feel that way. I can only hope that this feeling will fade with time.

If it was up to me, I'd say that I've been dealing with this tragic event as well as I could. I've found a reason to get out of bed every morning (and sometimes that's a struggle). I've continued to go to work and try my best. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm giving my job my all at this point, but again, this loss has just affected every part of my life. 

I feel like I owe a HUGE thank you to all of my family which definitely includes my in-laws (Robert's family) and all those friends who have been here to give hugs, kleenexes, and just listen to me go on and on and on about Robert. It's comforting to me to talk about him, and I'm sure some people get tired of hearing about it.  Making the drive to see Robert's family and friends helps me more than any of them will ever know.  It's comforting for me to go over there and have nothing but memories of Robert while I'm there. They are all I have left of him, and I will spend as much time as I can over there.

A year ago this past weekend, Robert and I were in his hometown taking our engagement pictures. We were so happy to be planning this wedding (Robert probably not happy for the planning part, just the beer and being married) and looking forward to many wonderful years together and starting our own family. I just can't believe how much life can change in a year. 

Just remember, life is short.  You never know when your (or a loved one's) last day on this earth will be. Cherish all of the moments you have with family and friends. Live with no regrets. Let go of anger inside of you. Live like this could be your last day on earth. Most importantly, never miss the chance to tell someone just how much you love and appreciate them. 

Miss this man each and every day!

"Sometimes life gives us what feels like only little time with ones we love...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a life time... And whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.”

All It Takes Is a Song ..

There are days when I feel like I'm moving along so well in this grief journey. Just this week I was thinking that not too many tears have been shed.  I still miss him each and every day, but I felt like maybe I was coming to peace with him being with Jesus and watching over me.....

Then .. I hear a song (that I've heard MANY times) but never stopped to listen to the words.  Easton Corbin - I Can't Love You Back. After taking the time to listen to the words, I decided to log onto YouTube and watch the video... and the tears all came back. I'll share the video with you, so you can see .. 

It's still hard for me to believe that I lost my best friend.  Nights and weekends just aren't the same without him by my side. It just seems so unfair to have lost him this early in life, but I know God had a plan for him as well as He has a plan for me.  I just wish His plan would've allowed for me to spend more time with Robert.  He just made me happier than I've ever been with his witty, sarcastic, and lovable personality.  I can just look forward to a wonderful greeting when I get to Heaven. 
 

Winery Trip

My family had our 3rd annual winery trip this past weekend. This is a weekend that we travel to my sister's house in St. Louis and spend most of a Saturday at a winery. We always bring wayy too much food and usually drink too much wine.  Although, we've definitely calmed down since the 1st year. 

I always enjoy getting to spend weekends like this with most of my family. There were many times this past weekend that I felt an enormous sense of emptiness within me.  It was very difficult for me to make that trip without Robert because he was with us the past two years.  In fact, that winery is where we were supposed to get engaged last year but he was just too antsy to wait. Venturing out to take pictures in the vineyards was VERY difficult.  Walking out there I was brought back to last year when Robert and I were taking quite a few pictures as the "newly engaged" couple.  It was so hard to be out there without him. 

I just seem to miss him more and more. Today marks 1 year since his Grandpa (more like his Dad) passed away.  I spent much of today reminiscing back to last year when he got the call and going over to spend time with his family. He missed his Grandpa soooo much. It's very comforting to know that he was lucky enough to only have to spend about 6 and 1/2  months without him.  They've been reunited and I know they are enjoying each others company in Heaven while watching down on the rest of us. 

I haven't let one day go by that I don't look up to the sky and tell him just how much I love him.  I'd give anything to hear him respond back to me. 

Here's a couple of pictures from our trip last year. 

2011 - Winery Trip