The Plague 2013

Okay, so maybe it's not the plague, but I've definitely been hit with the worst sickness I've had in many years. As I write, I'm currently home from work for the THIRD day in a row. Here's how it went. I left for work on Monday feeling just fine, and came home with a 101.4 fever, hurting chest when I cough, and an extremely sore throat. Thinking it was just the flu, I decided to just stay home and take it easy on Tuesday.  When I wasn't any better (actually felt  worse) on Wednesday, I decided it was time to pay a visit to the doctor. Strep throat it is, which is why my throat and tonsils were so very sore. My fever peaked back up yesterday morning which is why I am STILL home. I'm pretty sure my kinders are going to forget who I am ....

Following Dr's orders and pushing the liquids ..

My precious fur baby keeping me company while home

 Sitting at home has given me quite some thinking time. Time to think about how much I really miss Robert. I realized that January 23rd (the 9 month anniversary of his death) passed before my eyes, and I started to feel real guilty. I didn't even realize the day had passed. How can that be?  Is it bad that I seemed to "forget" or is it a good thing that life has kept me so busy?  I just feel so torn. I still think about him each and every day, and even still look at a picture of him every day.  I never want to forget that face and that precious smile.

Grief is such a difficult thing. There's times that I just seem to fight with myself because I don't know the "right" way to be feeling. Even though deep down I know that there is no "right" and "wrong" way because every one grieves in a different way at a different pace. It's just hard to feel so torn and not know the way to go, so I'll just carry on ... 

Today I'm Feeling...

BLESSED!

Let's just say that I usually turn to this blog on my days of feeling so down that I just need to write to get things off my chest.  For some reason, writing it down for others to read seems to help a little. I guess there's times that I am just able to write some things that I wouldn't be able to just say. 

Well...today, I've decided to write for a very different reason.  Today has been a day that I've kept a smile on my face and felt so very blessed for my life right now.

I feel so blessed to have a job that I love!  I had such a fantastic group of kindergartners last year that were so excited for the wedding and also crushed when I lost Robert. They asked questions and helped me to cope through the last few weeks of the school year. I never dreamed that this year I would be that lucky.  At the beginning of the this year, I felt like all I could do was push this new group of students away. They knew nothing about what I'd been through or how somedays I was doing good just to get out of bed and go to work.  Well  ... MY how times have changed just since July. This group of kinders this year are just so precious!  They're soooo sweet and care so much for each other and myself. I've started to notice it more and more just being back from Christmas. Last week, I had to be out one day for a meeting. Before break I seemed to be out quite often for meetings (this is what I get for being involved in sooo many committees ....). This is a group of students that I tell when I am going to be gone .. and they're response was ...."You go to TOOO many meetings ... that is just CRAZY!" When I come back, I get so many hugs and children telling me they missed me.  It feels so good!

I also have a precious little girl that I just know God sent to me for a reason.  She is so interested in Robert and always seems to ask questions about him.  Last week, she sat down next to me during a work time and wanted to know about how Robert died.  We discussed the events and what a heart attack meant.  She asked if I cried, if his Mom cried, and if his Grandma cried. She also wanted to know about where he was buried. So I showed her this picture ... 

Peanut visiting his Dad

 Her response was "that is just SO sad!" She has the most sincere look on her face and then gave me a hug. After that, she went on to ask if I had a boyfriend. I told her no, so she says "Good, because he'd probably just die too." Oh, the innocence of a 5 year old. 

Today she came back to me and asked if my family, his friends, and my friends were all sad when it happened. I know that this is God working through a precious little child. Sending her to me to allow me to discuss my grief with her. I answer all of her questions because I feel like it's only fair to her. She cares so much and wants to know more.

It's so amazing to me how a group of 5 and 6 year olds can boost you up on a day when you're feeling so down. This year, I've decided to focus on the good things that I have going for me. I could spend hours, days, or even months focused on all the bad things that have happened, but I know that's not what Robert would want for me or what I would want for myself. 

Today I choose to feel blessed. Blessed for a job I love, a fantastic family, friends that would do anything for me, an amazing support system, precious little kindergartners that make every day worth it and, of course, Peanut.  

Happy Tuesday!

My Dreams

I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately, but for the past week or so I have been having very odd dreams.  They have been about random people in my life past and present, but they are always very vivid and detailed.  

Then there was last night's dream.  I walked into a hospital room to see Robert lifeless in a hospital bed.  The nurse told me that he was gone, but she would try to see what she could do.  She hollered real loud and he woke up.  He jumped out of bed to take some pills. After swallowing the pills, he laid back down and was dying again.  I screamed his name and he opened his eyes and looked right at me. 

I said, "Robert, I love you!"
He looked me right in the eyes and said, "I love you too!" 
... and then that very moment after getting out that last word, he was gone again and there was no bringing him back. 

I woke up with hope and satisfaction that I was able to tell him just one more time that I loved him and reassured that he loved me too. 

But, as the day went on ... I seemed to get more sad as I thought about it.  What I'd give for one more moment with him.  I wish I could just have one last conversation with him ...

On another note, I was waiting outside with a few of my students because their buses were a few minutes late today.  They were asking to look at pictures on my phone because they wanted to see Peanut.  One of the pictures was the family Christmas picture (can be viewed in the previous post). One of my students asked which was was my husband.  After reminding her I didn't have a husband she said, "oh, that's right ... he's dead". The innocence of small children amazes me. It's the simplicity of life and death ...