New Year's Eve 2012

 My life a taken quite a journey this year. When 2012 started, Robert and I were living in our own house, making wedding plans for September 29, and preparing for our happily ever after. Here's some pictures to recap the beginning ...

My cousin's wedding in February

St. Patty's Day in St. Louis

My sister's 30th birthday party

Life was simply amazing.  We went and did our food tasting for the wedding, began our wedding registry, and bought Robert a lawn mower. And then, that one horrible, terrible, unforgettable day happened .... the day that I wish I could rewind and simply erase. April 23.  It's a day that replays in my mind very often. Wishing I could've done something different to prevent experiencing the pain and sorrow of losing my very best friend .. the man that meant everything to me ... 

From then on, it really feels like a blur.  As much as I felt the days were dragging on, it seems like I blinked and months flew by.  

Even though this has been a heartbreaking year for me, one of my very sweet friends took the time to remind me that there's also been quite a few positives. I have realized the amazing support system that I have.  I'm so thankful for my amazing family, Robert's fantastic family, and all my friends who have helped me to make it through these past 8 months ... There's been many tough days, but together we've been able to make it so far. I also have a great group of co-workers who stepped up and took over for me as well as supported me through going back to work. I will be forever thankful for that. I have my class of kinders from last year who helped me more than they'll ever know through those last few weeks of school. Then, there's my group this year that always know how to make me smile and help get me through the day.  It's amazing how much 5 and 6 years old can do to help you get through.  They all mean so much to me!   

Here's a few more pictures from the year .. 

Most of the RoCo's

My baby brothers and I

Robert's wedding boot with my wedding bouquet

My memory bear made out of the shirt he wore in our engagement pictures

Everyone at the RoCo picnic

My amazing girls and I

Roe Family Christmas

I can only hope and pray that 2013 will be more positive. Here's some things to look forward to:

-the arrival of my first niece who's due on April 20
-being a bridesmaid in Robert's youngest brother's wedding on October 5
-being the maid of honor is my sister's wedding on November 23

It's heartbreaking to know that this will be the first of many years without Robert, but I know he would want me to carry on ... so I will do my best to make him proud.
 

It's been quite a while .....

... since I've written. 

Life has definitely been moving in fast forward since Thanksgiving. Especially the weekend when I had a wedding and a funeral.  What a busy time. 

I was overjoyed to be standing up with two very special people as they said "I do" on December 8th.  These two actually met through Robert and I in our "man cave". It's so hard to believe that the meeting in the man cave led to a simply BEAUTIFUL wedding!  It was an emotional time for me, but I was just so happy for the two of them and to see them both so happy was perfect.  I had a BLAST at the reception and all the dancing had my legs hurting for quite a few days ...

It was so hard to jump from the excitement of a wedding to attending my Uncle's funeral. He had been fighting cancer, and it just seemed to take over. What a sad story. This was the first funeral that I've attended since Robert's which made it VERY tough. There was one point at the end when everyone was walking by one last time and greeting the family that the events of April fled right back to me and I just started sobbing ....  Thank goodness my Grandma was next to me to console me. I'm still thinking of and praying for my aunt and cousins each day as they move forward from this tragic loss.  It's definitely going to be a tough time for them ... 

And now we're on the countdown until Christmas.....

I'm still trying to find my excitement.  Usually, Christmas is my most favorite time of year and I can't wait to wrap presents, get the decorations up, and enjoy time spent with family.  This year .... it's just not the same at all. Many tears have been shed and I know many more will still come. I just don't have the heart for Christmas this year.  I have made myself buy gifts because I know it's the right thing to do.  

At this point, I'm just ready to push through and move past Christmas.  I'm hoping that it's not this hard for me every year.  There's just a HUGE hole in my heart this year, and I can't imagine celebrating this day without my best friend by my side. If only I could go to Heaven for Christmas day to celebrate.  It would be nice to visit with all of my loved ones that are up there celebrating with Jesus. 

I just keep praying for the strength to keep on pushing to make it through each and every day....... 

Merry Christmas from Peanut Jay!

Thanksigivng 2012

This Thanksgiving weekend sure was a busy one! 

It started off with most of the family gathering at my Mom's house on Thursday. We were missing one of my sister in law's because she was in the hospital with pneumonia and eventually having open heart surgery to replace a valve . All the rest of my immediate family including my Grandma were able to be here as well at Robert's Mom, Grandma, two brothers, and one of his brother's girlfriend.  As we were holding hands going around saying what we were thankful for, I just looked around and almost had tears in my eyes.  Even though one significant person was missing, I couldn't help but be so VERY grateful for the "family" that was able to gather together.  We had a great day that consisted of LOTS of laughs which is what we needed.  I am so thankful that these two families were able to join and become one. It's such a blessing.

We have quite a bit to be thankful for this year with my brother and sister-in-law having a baby on the way AND 2 weddings - my sister and Robert's brother. I know Robert had so much to do with all of this, but I just so wish he could be here to celebrate with us.

My plan was to take pictures this weekend ... but my battery charger for my camera is MIA .... so I guess it's up to you to use your imagination ... 
 

"Stand By You"

Have you ever had a song that just seems to hit you EVERY time you hear it?  I go through spurts with different songs, but this week it has definitely been Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go. 

"I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do, and you can't cope. I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight, and I won't let go."

It brings me to tears every time I hear it, and I think it's for two different reasons. 

One is because it makes me miss having Robert with me to "stand by me" through everything that was thrown our way.  We had a remarkable relationship and we were there to support each other through it all. I just hate that it had to end so early, and I don't get to move forward with him "standing by me".

The second reason is I get overwhelmed with the people who have stood by me since April 23. There's those people that check in with me weekly or even daily with calls, texts, even Facebook messages just to let me know they care and they've been thinking of me.  I don't want to create a list because I just know I'd forget someone and I wouldn't want to do that. Just know that I appreciate each and everyone who reaches out to me. I have an amazing support system that I know will be here for me no matter how crazy my emotions get.  Thank you to those family members and close friends that have stood by me. I'm so thankful that you've been placed in my life especially at a time when I need it the most. 

Here's the video:

Thankful

After seeing so many people do posts on what they are thankful for this month of November, I've definitely been thinking of all the things that I have to be thankful for. 

Here it goes, I'm thankful for:
1. First and foremost,  Robert and the positive effect he had on my life.  This includes being thankful for: God joining our lives together, Robert showing me the true meaning of how it feels to love and be loved, each and every moment that I had with Robert, and the person that I am because he came into my life.  I could go on and on about how Robert changed my life for the better and I will be forever grateful for that. 

2. my fantastic family who have been a wonderful support system for me these past few months. I know the days aren't easy, but they're always there to offer hugs, advice, or even just ears to listen to me ramble.

3. the AMAZING family I have because of Robert.  I know I say this time and time again, but I just can't say it enough how much they all mean to me. They continue to support me and I know that they are my forever family as well.  I'm very lucky to have gained such amazing "in-laws" through Robert.

4. the belief in God and the promise of an eternal life with him.  It's very comforting to think that when my time here on earth is done, I will move on to Heaven and be welcomed by my Dad, Robert, and all the other angels that await me. After all, this is the place where Robert was finally able to meet to my Dad.

5. my job which includes my wonderful coworkers and great kiddos that I have.  It's a good feeling to enjoy going to work these days even though some days my heart just isn't in it. My co-workers are there to support me any time I need it and my kiddos are there to make me laugh each and every day. It's great to have a career that you enjoy.

6. Friends... I've got some of the best friends a girl could ask for. They continue to check on me and support me each and every day through this journey. 

7. my Peanut Jay. I know he's just a dog, but he's also helped me get through this.  There's days I think he loves and misses Robert just as much as I do. Sometimes all I need is to cuddle with him to make my day better. He's definitely seen quite a few tears and seems to always get closer to me when I'm upset. 

I know this list seems rather short, and I have many other things to be thankful for. As I approach the upcoming holidays, I am trying to find time each day to choose joy and thankfulness. God has blessed me with a pretty darn good life  and I am thankful for that. We should all cherish the life we have because our days are numbered. Remember to be thankful for all you have been given.

On My Mind

To say that Robert is always on my mind is a definite understatement.  I think of him at least a million times a day and what each day would be like had he still been here with me. 

This past weekend, he seemed to occupy more of my time and it was one of those weekends that I found myself missing him more and more. I'm not sure what it was that caused this, but every free moment I had was spent thinking about him and missing him being right there with me.  I spent part of the weekend at my Grandma's, and I felt a huge hole being there without him.  The last time I stayed the night there was during my break in the spring when I took my wedding dress over there.  He wasn't with me, but of course, I talked to him quite a few times while I was there.  Sitting in the family room visiting with family made me miss him, because I missed his smartass comments and contributions to the conversation.  Going to church was very difficult.  I had to fight back tears because I hadn't been to my Grandma's church since my cousin's wedding in February and Robert was by my side. 

It's amazing how sometimes its the simple little things that bring back all the emotions and grief. Yesterday, I attended a bridal shower for a good friend who Robert and I actually "set up" her and her now fiance. The time there was fun seeing many coworkers and friends, but I got in the car to drive home and the tears started falling.  Here comes that bad feeling of missing out on celebrating my bridal shower.  Not because I wanted the gifts, but more because that would be one step closer to the dream wedding that was being planned.  

Today Robert and I should be celebrating our one month anniversary of being Mr. and Mrs. We should be reminiscing the wonderful events of our wedding. Instead, I sit here thinking it's been 189 long, dreary days since I last woke up to him right beside me and heard his sweet voice.

The days seem to only get longer, but I just think that each day that goes by is one day closer to being reunited with him again in Heaven. 

6 Months

August 13, 2011

6 months ago today my life changed forever.  A very typical Monday made a turn for the worst the instant I pulled into my driveway.  I lost my best friend, my fiance, and the person that could make me smile no matter the kind of mood I was in. There's so many times I think back to the events of that week and question if all of that really happened. I NEVER dreamed that at the age of 26 I'd lose the person that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  How unfair. 

These past 6 months have been very trying and I feel like I've just been an emotional roller coaster. Some days I accept what happened and thank God for the years, months, weeks, days, hours, and seconds that I had with Robert because he truly was an angel sent into my life. Then there's days that I'm angry. Crying and screaming at God for taking him and Robert for leaving me.  Other days, I'm just plain sad.  Sad that he's gone, sad for all the things we didn't get to experience together, and sad that I have to live the rest of my life here on earth without him by my side.  That's such a hard concept to grasp. 

I've experienced emotions that I never thought I'd have.  The biggest being jealousy. I've never been a jealous person, but grief has brought that into my life. Jealous of those that get to get married and live their happily ever after. Jealous of those that get the chance to start a family by having a child together. I hate feeling jealous, but there's days that I just can't help but feel that way. I can only hope that this feeling will fade with time.

If it was up to me, I'd say that I've been dealing with this tragic event as well as I could. I've found a reason to get out of bed every morning (and sometimes that's a struggle). I've continued to go to work and try my best. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm giving my job my all at this point, but again, this loss has just affected every part of my life. 

I feel like I owe a HUGE thank you to all of my family which definitely includes my in-laws (Robert's family) and all those friends who have been here to give hugs, kleenexes, and just listen to me go on and on and on about Robert. It's comforting to me to talk about him, and I'm sure some people get tired of hearing about it.  Making the drive to see Robert's family and friends helps me more than any of them will ever know.  It's comforting for me to go over there and have nothing but memories of Robert while I'm there. They are all I have left of him, and I will spend as much time as I can over there.

A year ago this past weekend, Robert and I were in his hometown taking our engagement pictures. We were so happy to be planning this wedding (Robert probably not happy for the planning part, just the beer and being married) and looking forward to many wonderful years together and starting our own family. I just can't believe how much life can change in a year. 

Just remember, life is short.  You never know when your (or a loved one's) last day on this earth will be. Cherish all of the moments you have with family and friends. Live with no regrets. Let go of anger inside of you. Live like this could be your last day on earth. Most importantly, never miss the chance to tell someone just how much you love and appreciate them. 

Miss this man each and every day!

"Sometimes life gives us what feels like only little time with ones we love...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a life time... And whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.”

All It Takes Is a Song ..

There are days when I feel like I'm moving along so well in this grief journey. Just this week I was thinking that not too many tears have been shed.  I still miss him each and every day, but I felt like maybe I was coming to peace with him being with Jesus and watching over me.....

Then .. I hear a song (that I've heard MANY times) but never stopped to listen to the words.  Easton Corbin - I Can't Love You Back. After taking the time to listen to the words, I decided to log onto YouTube and watch the video... and the tears all came back. I'll share the video with you, so you can see .. 

It's still hard for me to believe that I lost my best friend.  Nights and weekends just aren't the same without him by my side. It just seems so unfair to have lost him this early in life, but I know God had a plan for him as well as He has a plan for me.  I just wish His plan would've allowed for me to spend more time with Robert.  He just made me happier than I've ever been with his witty, sarcastic, and lovable personality.  I can just look forward to a wonderful greeting when I get to Heaven. 
 

Winery Trip

My family had our 3rd annual winery trip this past weekend. This is a weekend that we travel to my sister's house in St. Louis and spend most of a Saturday at a winery. We always bring wayy too much food and usually drink too much wine.  Although, we've definitely calmed down since the 1st year. 

I always enjoy getting to spend weekends like this with most of my family. There were many times this past weekend that I felt an enormous sense of emptiness within me.  It was very difficult for me to make that trip without Robert because he was with us the past two years.  In fact, that winery is where we were supposed to get engaged last year but he was just too antsy to wait. Venturing out to take pictures in the vineyards was VERY difficult.  Walking out there I was brought back to last year when Robert and I were taking quite a few pictures as the "newly engaged" couple.  It was so hard to be out there without him. 

I just seem to miss him more and more. Today marks 1 year since his Grandpa (more like his Dad) passed away.  I spent much of today reminiscing back to last year when he got the call and going over to spend time with his family. He missed his Grandpa soooo much. It's very comforting to know that he was lucky enough to only have to spend about 6 and 1/2  months without him.  They've been reunited and I know they are enjoying each others company in Heaven while watching down on the rest of us. 

I haven't let one day go by that I don't look up to the sky and tell him just how much I love him.  I'd give anything to hear him respond back to me. 

Here's a couple of pictures from our trip last year. 

2011 - Winery Trip

 

Celebration

Yesterday, we had a picnic to celebrate the joining of two families. It's such an amazing feeling to know that Robert's family and my family will forever be ONE known as the RoCo's. 

It was a beautiful day and everything turned out great.  It was as perfect as it could've been other then having a wedding of course. 

Here's some pictures that were captured: 

the friends

Robo's Grandma and Mom

Most of the group

Some of the RoCo's

Mr. Liam sporting the shirt Robo said he "had to have"

Playing with the babies

Robo's Mom and one of his co-workers

Robo's Mom and brothers

My co-worker, Mr. Liam, and I

Me, Peanut, and Robo's Mom

I'm glad we chose to have a celebration of this day.  It helped to ease the pain of the "what could've been". 

September 29, 2012

 Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of the day I would get to have my own wedding. When Robert asked me to marry him last year ... my dream was starting to come true!  

*Perfect*

Plans were being made, bridesmaid dresses bought, MY perfect dress bought, flowers bought and made into bouquets (thanks to Amy and Kristin), church was booked, reception was booked, photographer, DJ, Limo, etc.  You name it. ... I either had it done or on my list of things to do in the VERY near future. 

September 29, 2012 was THE day!  Oh, the excitement of this day approaching when I would get to walk down the aisle to Robert (with tears in his eyes) and forever become his wife.  What a dream come true. 

and then .... 

April 23, 2012 shattered that dream ... 

God decided that he needed Robert much more than we did here on this earth.   

I couldn't help but think of how different this past week would have been if the wedding was happening. Stress, last minute plans, rehearsal dinner, etc.  What a busy week it could've been.  Instead, I was finding things to do to keep myself busy.  Try to keep my mind off of it. 

I am thrilled to be able to celebrate the joining of two families today even though we didn't get the chance to join in marriage.  I am elated that my family and his family will forever be joined because of the relationship that Robert and I had.  It will be fun for family and friends to gather at the park for a picnic, but definitely not as fun as gathering in the church (and the reception hall) to celebrate a marriage.  

I just find myself continuing to thank God over and over for sending Robert into my life.  Someday I will know why it was for such a short period of time, but it was just amazing.  He was (and will continue to be) a blessing in my life. 

*Here's the man that stole my heart .... and took it all the way to Heaven*

5 Months

Today marks 5 months since he's been gone. Some days I still don't believe it's true.  He's been visiting me in my dreams quite often lately, and those mornings I wake up thinking he will come running back to me. I'd give anything to see him running back to me right now. 

My sister-in-law wrote a blog post about her miscarriage of twins she had last fall.  In her post, she stated that she sees Robo holding her two little angels in Heaven.  Thinking of that seems to put a smile on my face.  Those are the babies he was given to take care of since he wasn't given a child here on earth.  Something that he wanted VERY bad. 

This past month has been a very tough one.  There were so many days I had to force myself to get out of bed and go to work.  My heart just hurts so much from missing him.  There's days I wonder if that will ever get any better. 

"Wish you were here, wish you could see this place. Wish you were near, wish I could touch your face. The weather's nice, it's paradise. It's summertime all year. There's some folks they say "Hello", I miss you so. Wish you were here."

Robert William, I will continue to hold you in my heart and share your story for as long as I live.  So thankful God sent you to me even for such a short time.  I couldn't imagine who I'd be without you.  Love you to infinity and beyondest!   

 I'll leave you with a picture of Peanut laying on Robo's blanket.  He misses his Dad too!

Mask

During my drive home from visiting Robert's family this weekend (one that was filled with LOTS of tears), I began to think that there are days I feel like I'm living life behind a mask.  I feel like I'm continuing my daily life of work but am just going through the motions putting a smile on my face to mask the pain inside. I'm sure people understand that I'm still grieving, but I feel the need to hide it for some reason.  It could be because I want to keep myself together while at school with my students.  They don't know much about Robert, but when they see and picture a ask who he is .. I just respond my fiance.  That's still true, isn't it? 

There's days I look down at the wedding ring on my hand.  I've had people comment on it and ask about my husband.  I tell them the story and then they feel horrible.  Am I just pretending to be married, and lying to myself and others.  I want to keep wearing it because I feel like he bought it especially for me. I want to continue to be "engaged" to him, but when is it time to decide that's no longer occurring?  Another simple question, when do you change your relationship status on Facebook from engaged to single? I know that seems like such a silly question, but it's an action that will break my heart even more.  

I guess with the wedding date quickly approaching, these questions and feelings are rising back up.  I feel like I'm grieving more now than ever.  I was supposed to be a week and a half away from the day I've dreamed of my whole entire life when I would walk down that aisle to my best friend and become his wife.  That dream was simply crushed ... shattered.  

I must find a way to continue to go through the motions each day .... The world is continuing to go on without him.  What a harsh reality! 

Heard this song today and it just hit me .. so I listened to it about 5 times. 

I was blessed to get to have you in my life. How true!  As hard as it was to lose him, I would do it over and over again because God placed a wonderful AMAZING man in my life and I loved EVERY second I had with him ....  

Carry On

Heard this song on the way home from work today. 

Tim McGraw - Carry On
"Mama went to sleep one night and never woke up
Daddy cried a tear into her old coffee cup
Now all he wants to do is drink the hurt all away
If Mama was here I know what Mama would say

Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on

Little sister’s husband ran off with her best friend
Left her and the babies all alone again
It hurts to know the hurt that she’s going through
But I know that she’ll do what she’s gotta do
Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on

Nobody ever said that life was gonna be fair
You’re never gonna get nowhere by running scared
If you look down deep inside you’ll find the faith to make you strong
Oh, oh carry on

I try to walk the sunny side of the street
Don’t let no shadows tangle up my feet
There ain’t no troubles that we can’t rise above
With a handful of faith and a heartful of love
Carry on
Carry on What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on"

After a couple of days of being down and feeling so alone, this was a perfect song to give me hope.  I could hear Robo talking to me telling me to "carry on".  I know that is exactly what he would want for me ... 

Some days I just need help finding the strength and courage ...  

The Dance

As I've stated previously, Robo and I had many conversations about death during our relationship.  I can't help but think that was God preparing me for what was to come.  

For example, 13 days before Robo passed, we were sitting in a local Chinese restaurant having one of our "romantic" dinners (ha!).  I was telling him about the book that I was currently reading. The book is called The Next Best Thing by Kristan Higgans.  This book is about a young widow (in her 20's) whose husband just recently passed away who feels like there is a curse in her family.  Her Mom and her mom's two sisters are called the black widows because all of their husbands passed away as well (all at or around 50). Her sister calls her husband rather frequently because she is afraid he will fall to the curse as well. There's a whole story line behind it, and I won't ruin it for anyone who chooses to read the book. 

BUT I was telling Robo about this over dinner. Explaining that I found it to be so weird because my Dad passed away in his 50's and one of my mom's sister's husband recently passed away as well.  Robert's exact words were "That is going to be us.  I am going to die young, and (my sister) is going to be the one calling (her boyfriend) all the time to make sure he's still breathing" ... takes my breath away to know we had this conversation soooo close to him passing ... Maybe that was another sign from God that this was going to be happening ... 

Driving to work this morning, I heard the song that was played at his funeral.  Garth Brooks "The Dance".  He had told me more than once that he wanted this played at his funeral. 

Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

This fit his life and his personality so well.  I've had this song in my head ALL day today just thinking about Robo over and over.  I am so very thankful for the "dance" we were able to share.  He gave me the best 2 years of my life and I'm so very thankful God placed our two lives together.  What an extra special gift sent straight from God, I just know it.  

I only wish we would've had more time to "dance" because 2 years just wasn't long enough with my Robo.  

 Robert, I will continue to love you with all my heart and miss you each and every day until we meet again ... 

One Month

August 29, 2012 ... One month from today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.  The day I'd been looking forward too since I got engaged.  This was supposed to be the day I would walk down the aisle and marry my best friend!  This is every girl's dream, and I was more than thrilled to be fulfilling this dream! I just couldn't wait ... 

And then April 23,2012 changed my life forever.  God took my best friend and left me so lonely.  As the wedding day approaches, I find myself missing Robo more and more .. 

Yesterday my sister sent me that maid of honor speech she wrote for the wedding... I will share it here, so I will always have a place to see it...

For those here who don't know me, I am Erin's older sister and for awhile I was Robert's worst nightmare. (that's a joke)

I first heard about Robert nonchalantly when he and Erin would talk on the phone nightly. Erin acted like it wasn't a big deal....just a friend... but we all knew better. She showed me a picture of him on Facebook and was quick to point out....doesn't he remind of you of dad?!?  By the look on her face and the excited tone in her voice I knew she was hooked.

Before long, Robert was invited to come meet the Roe fam. He had quite the treat. As typical in the Roe house when everyone is home the house is buzzing and loud, the meals are amazing, games are played, drinks are flowing and everyone has to scream to talk over each other talking at the same time. At dinner, he sat pretty shy and just took it all in. I thought, man this guy can't handle us.  BUT, he came back and hasn't stopped since.

To everyone who had the blessing of meeting our dad, it doesn't seem a coincidence that EVERYONE finds Robert to be like him.  Mannerisms, looks, temper, kind heart, and all. He fills a void we had been missing as a family, but more importantly Erin is loved by a man who she can compare to one of the best men we have ever known. Now, don't be fooled.  Robert has his own sense of flair and keeps the fun rolling. I'm not sure grandma B has ever had more fun teasing someone and although you seem offended we all know you love it.

It is very surreal to see my baby sister grown up and marrying the man of her dreams.  In a journal as I left for college, you wrote a sweet note and mentioned that you looked up to me.  As the years have passed, I have found quite the opposite to be true.  You are an amazing teacher, planting seeds in the kids and making them excited to come to school each day.  The level of patience that you have to manage 20 something kindergartners baffles me.  Did we come from the same mother???  Ha. Your loyalty and love for your family and friends is undeniable.  I love that you are gentle, but can defend someone off with stick. Our friendship has far exceeded our sisterhood by you constantly listening to my random thoughts and phone calls.  You are hilariously funny, quick witted, and you can find the humor in any situation.  I have no doubts that you will be an amazing mother and will balance your life flawlessly.  Most importantly today, I can look up to you for meeting, falling in love, and marrying your best friend. 

I am so happy for both of you and can officially welcome Robo to the Crazy Roe fam.  We love you both and look forward to watching and being a part of your journey together.

Congratulations and God Bless!

Definitely an amazing speech .. just wish I could've heard it at the celebration of our marriage.  

Here's to making it through another day ..... I feel like I have to celebrate each day I make it through ... 

A Week of Emotions

What a week this has been! 

It started with wonderful family and friends assisting with the moving process last weekend. We were able to get most everything out of the house on Saturday in just a few hours.  Bringing ALL of that stuff to my Mom's was the challenge.  How did Robo and I ever acquire so much stuff in one year?! 

Monday evening I had to meet a friend out at my house because he as coming to get the couch and chair from the living room. I thought that would be my last time out at the house, so I made sure to walk through and take in my last breaths in that house. Needless to say, that brought quite a bit of emotions ....... 

Tuesday I ended up going BACK out there to get a couch that was still there. My sister-in-law helped me load it up and she ended up taking it (thank goodness!) to someone that she knew would want it.... That ended up being my last time out at the house.  Oh the memories that Robo and I made in almost one short year... That evening it all hit me that I would no longer be able to walk through the house anymore to relive the memories.  I do have pictures of it just as we had it, but I have a very tough time accepting this was it. 

Then Wednesday came!  The day of closing..... My Mom picked me up from work, so we could make in there on time.  I was almost through signing the papers when the Lady who worked at the title company said, "I see you have a beautiful, shiny ring on, so you are married?" I was blinking back tears telling her I actually am not married because my fiance passed away back in April.  As if I wasn't having a hard enough time making it through closing, this had to be brought up.  I think I made the lady feel horrible, but I had to share his story.  I vow to let him live on through me! 

After a big day Wednesday, Thursday marked 4 months since losing my best friend and love of my life.  What a hard realization to know I've made it through another month, and the days seem to be getting harder ....not easier.... what I'd give to go back to the time when we were together and just pour my heart out to him.  I am confident knowing that he loved me with everything he had and I loved him with everything I have, but I would love to be able to voice that to him over and over ... Just to see him again ...

Then comes Friday ... it used to be one of my favorite days of the week because that meant as soon as I got off work, Robo and I had the WHOLE weekend to spend together. Whether we were spending it with my family, his family, or all alone, I always looked forward to those long days with him. We always woke up happier on Friday knowing we'd have some more time together .... It was only today that I realized I miss him the most on Fridays .......  Now, I get off of work, come home .. and wonder what's next.  No more lazy evenings on the couch watching a movie with him or talking him into going out to dinner, to the mall, and target.  I just miss him so much my heart hurts. I'd give anything to be able to be back in his arms again ... his hugs were soo comforting. 

And tomorrow ... I'm heading over to his hometown to spend some time with his(and MY) family.  I will be going to see his headstone for the first time and just spending some quality time over there.  I am SOOOOOO thankful for the wonderful relationship I have with his family.  I know they'll always be MY family, and that is a wonderful feeling .....