Mask

During my drive home from visiting Robert's family this weekend (one that was filled with LOTS of tears), I began to think that there are days I feel like I'm living life behind a mask.  I feel like I'm continuing my daily life of work but am just going through the motions putting a smile on my face to mask the pain inside. I'm sure people understand that I'm still grieving, but I feel the need to hide it for some reason.  It could be because I want to keep myself together while at school with my students.  They don't know much about Robert, but when they see and picture a ask who he is .. I just respond my fiance.  That's still true, isn't it? 

There's days I look down at the wedding ring on my hand.  I've had people comment on it and ask about my husband.  I tell them the story and then they feel horrible.  Am I just pretending to be married, and lying to myself and others.  I want to keep wearing it because I feel like he bought it especially for me. I want to continue to be "engaged" to him, but when is it time to decide that's no longer occurring?  Another simple question, when do you change your relationship status on Facebook from engaged to single? I know that seems like such a silly question, but it's an action that will break my heart even more.  

I guess with the wedding date quickly approaching, these questions and feelings are rising back up.  I feel like I'm grieving more now than ever.  I was supposed to be a week and a half away from the day I've dreamed of my whole entire life when I would walk down that aisle to my best friend and become his wife.  That dream was simply crushed ... shattered.  

I must find a way to continue to go through the motions each day .... The world is continuing to go on without him.  What a harsh reality! 

Heard this song today and it just hit me .. so I listened to it about 5 times. 

I was blessed to get to have you in my life. How true!  As hard as it was to lose him, I would do it over and over again because God placed a wonderful AMAZING man in my life and I loved EVERY second I had with him ....