Celebration

Yesterday, we had a picnic to celebrate the joining of two families. It's such an amazing feeling to know that Robert's family and my family will forever be ONE known as the RoCo's. 

It was a beautiful day and everything turned out great.  It was as perfect as it could've been other then having a wedding of course. 

Here's some pictures that were captured: 

the friends

Robo's Grandma and Mom

Most of the group

Some of the RoCo's

Mr. Liam sporting the shirt Robo said he "had to have"

Playing with the babies

Robo's Mom and one of his co-workers

Robo's Mom and brothers

My co-worker, Mr. Liam, and I

Me, Peanut, and Robo's Mom

I'm glad we chose to have a celebration of this day.  It helped to ease the pain of the "what could've been". 

September 29, 2012

 Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of the day I would get to have my own wedding. When Robert asked me to marry him last year ... my dream was starting to come true!  

*Perfect*

Plans were being made, bridesmaid dresses bought, MY perfect dress bought, flowers bought and made into bouquets (thanks to Amy and Kristin), church was booked, reception was booked, photographer, DJ, Limo, etc.  You name it. ... I either had it done or on my list of things to do in the VERY near future. 

September 29, 2012 was THE day!  Oh, the excitement of this day approaching when I would get to walk down the aisle to Robert (with tears in his eyes) and forever become his wife.  What a dream come true. 

and then .... 

April 23, 2012 shattered that dream ... 

God decided that he needed Robert much more than we did here on this earth.   

I couldn't help but think of how different this past week would have been if the wedding was happening. Stress, last minute plans, rehearsal dinner, etc.  What a busy week it could've been.  Instead, I was finding things to do to keep myself busy.  Try to keep my mind off of it. 

I am thrilled to be able to celebrate the joining of two families today even though we didn't get the chance to join in marriage.  I am elated that my family and his family will forever be joined because of the relationship that Robert and I had.  It will be fun for family and friends to gather at the park for a picnic, but definitely not as fun as gathering in the church (and the reception hall) to celebrate a marriage.  

I just find myself continuing to thank God over and over for sending Robert into my life.  Someday I will know why it was for such a short period of time, but it was just amazing.  He was (and will continue to be) a blessing in my life. 

*Here's the man that stole my heart .... and took it all the way to Heaven*

5 Months

Today marks 5 months since he's been gone. Some days I still don't believe it's true.  He's been visiting me in my dreams quite often lately, and those mornings I wake up thinking he will come running back to me. I'd give anything to see him running back to me right now. 

My sister-in-law wrote a blog post about her miscarriage of twins she had last fall.  In her post, she stated that she sees Robo holding her two little angels in Heaven.  Thinking of that seems to put a smile on my face.  Those are the babies he was given to take care of since he wasn't given a child here on earth.  Something that he wanted VERY bad. 

This past month has been a very tough one.  There were so many days I had to force myself to get out of bed and go to work.  My heart just hurts so much from missing him.  There's days I wonder if that will ever get any better. 

"Wish you were here, wish you could see this place. Wish you were near, wish I could touch your face. The weather's nice, it's paradise. It's summertime all year. There's some folks they say "Hello", I miss you so. Wish you were here."

Robert William, I will continue to hold you in my heart and share your story for as long as I live.  So thankful God sent you to me even for such a short time.  I couldn't imagine who I'd be without you.  Love you to infinity and beyondest!   

 I'll leave you with a picture of Peanut laying on Robo's blanket.  He misses his Dad too!

Mask

During my drive home from visiting Robert's family this weekend (one that was filled with LOTS of tears), I began to think that there are days I feel like I'm living life behind a mask.  I feel like I'm continuing my daily life of work but am just going through the motions putting a smile on my face to mask the pain inside. I'm sure people understand that I'm still grieving, but I feel the need to hide it for some reason.  It could be because I want to keep myself together while at school with my students.  They don't know much about Robert, but when they see and picture a ask who he is .. I just respond my fiance.  That's still true, isn't it? 

There's days I look down at the wedding ring on my hand.  I've had people comment on it and ask about my husband.  I tell them the story and then they feel horrible.  Am I just pretending to be married, and lying to myself and others.  I want to keep wearing it because I feel like he bought it especially for me. I want to continue to be "engaged" to him, but when is it time to decide that's no longer occurring?  Another simple question, when do you change your relationship status on Facebook from engaged to single? I know that seems like such a silly question, but it's an action that will break my heart even more.  

I guess with the wedding date quickly approaching, these questions and feelings are rising back up.  I feel like I'm grieving more now than ever.  I was supposed to be a week and a half away from the day I've dreamed of my whole entire life when I would walk down that aisle to my best friend and become his wife.  That dream was simply crushed ... shattered.  

I must find a way to continue to go through the motions each day .... The world is continuing to go on without him.  What a harsh reality! 

Heard this song today and it just hit me .. so I listened to it about 5 times. 

I was blessed to get to have you in my life. How true!  As hard as it was to lose him, I would do it over and over again because God placed a wonderful AMAZING man in my life and I loved EVERY second I had with him ....  

Carry On

Heard this song on the way home from work today. 

Tim McGraw - Carry On
"Mama went to sleep one night and never woke up
Daddy cried a tear into her old coffee cup
Now all he wants to do is drink the hurt all away
If Mama was here I know what Mama would say

Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on

Little sister’s husband ran off with her best friend
Left her and the babies all alone again
It hurts to know the hurt that she’s going through
But I know that she’ll do what she’s gotta do
Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on

Nobody ever said that life was gonna be fair
You’re never gonna get nowhere by running scared
If you look down deep inside you’ll find the faith to make you strong
Oh, oh carry on

I try to walk the sunny side of the street
Don’t let no shadows tangle up my feet
There ain’t no troubles that we can’t rise above
With a handful of faith and a heartful of love
Carry on
Carry on What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on"

After a couple of days of being down and feeling so alone, this was a perfect song to give me hope.  I could hear Robo talking to me telling me to "carry on".  I know that is exactly what he would want for me ... 

Some days I just need help finding the strength and courage ...  

The Dance

As I've stated previously, Robo and I had many conversations about death during our relationship.  I can't help but think that was God preparing me for what was to come.  

For example, 13 days before Robo passed, we were sitting in a local Chinese restaurant having one of our "romantic" dinners (ha!).  I was telling him about the book that I was currently reading. The book is called The Next Best Thing by Kristan Higgans.  This book is about a young widow (in her 20's) whose husband just recently passed away who feels like there is a curse in her family.  Her Mom and her mom's two sisters are called the black widows because all of their husbands passed away as well (all at or around 50). Her sister calls her husband rather frequently because she is afraid he will fall to the curse as well. There's a whole story line behind it, and I won't ruin it for anyone who chooses to read the book. 

BUT I was telling Robo about this over dinner. Explaining that I found it to be so weird because my Dad passed away in his 50's and one of my mom's sister's husband recently passed away as well.  Robert's exact words were "That is going to be us.  I am going to die young, and (my sister) is going to be the one calling (her boyfriend) all the time to make sure he's still breathing" ... takes my breath away to know we had this conversation soooo close to him passing ... Maybe that was another sign from God that this was going to be happening ... 

Driving to work this morning, I heard the song that was played at his funeral.  Garth Brooks "The Dance".  He had told me more than once that he wanted this played at his funeral. 

Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

This fit his life and his personality so well.  I've had this song in my head ALL day today just thinking about Robo over and over.  I am so very thankful for the "dance" we were able to share.  He gave me the best 2 years of my life and I'm so very thankful God placed our two lives together.  What an extra special gift sent straight from God, I just know it.  

I only wish we would've had more time to "dance" because 2 years just wasn't long enough with my Robo.  

 Robert, I will continue to love you with all my heart and miss you each and every day until we meet again ...