Another First

This past Monday I celebrated another first without him ... my birthday. 

I've never been overly excited about birthdays, but the past two were exciting to have someone so close to share them with.  He always surprised me with flowers and some other awesome gift.  Going through the house this past weekend, I actually found the birthday card that he bought for me last year. It had a loud beeping noise when you opened it and talked about hot hot the person reading the card was.  He was just so romantic! ha! 

I couldn't help but feel a big hole inside me on Monday.  It was just another one of the big days that I had to experience without him here in body. What a hard experience. 

This is just the beginning of all the firsts I will have without him, and I know he's right beside me helping me make it through each and every day.  Everyone tells you it will get easier, but I still think they're crazy because the days seem to get harder and harder.  I'm just a day farther away from April 23 when I was last able to see his wonderful smile and hear his sweet voice. 

I remind myself that each day I make it through is also one day closer to seeing him and being in his arms again. 

I love you Robert William more and more each day, and gosh ..... I miss you sooooo much! 

Another Chapter Ending ...

After two LONG months of having my first house on the market, I was finally getting some interest in it and received an offer.  After bantering back and forth for quite some time, we decided on a price and my realtor called me and said, "congratulations! You just sold your house!"

What .....a ..... shock.....

This has been what I've wanted since losing Robo.  We had many conversations about death, and one of them was what we were going to do with the house if one of us passed.  I told him that if he passed, I was going to sell the house and move back in with my mom.  He told me that if I passed, he was going to sell the house and move back in with MY mom.  Why my Mom?  Well his explanation was, "she's going to need someone to take care of her."  He truly had a heart of gold!  

What a step in moving out of the house.  Thankfully, when we were still in the shock/numb period, Robo's Mom and brothers came over and we went through all of his clothes and shoes.  They ended up taking them all back home with them, so that stuff was already out. but EVERYTHING else was left .... 

Last weekend, after a crazy week that consisted of the first week of school AND a home and radon inspection ... Mom and I decided to begin the packing process .. starting in the kitchen.  

This weekend, thanks to My mom, sister, sister's boyfriend, mother-in-law, brother-in-law and another amazing friend, we were able to pack up most of the house in boxes and at least move all the boxes here. All that's left is furniture and the garage ... which must get done next weekend. 

Closing is August 22 .... a day that I look forward to and dread at the same time .... It just means another Chapter will be ending ... Our first house.  The house that we bought together and where we were going to start our lives together with marriage and babies ... 

Breaks my heart! 

That's the most simple and perfect way to put it.  We did have wonderful memories there which I will hold onto forever.  

Just have to thank Robo for an amazing birthday present this year (only a week and a half late).  I know he had a hand in selling the house right around my birthday.  

I love you Robo to infinity and beyondest!  Can't wait to see you again ......

What a Week....

Man, was this past week a very trying week for me.  There was so much going on and add in the first week of school to the mix.  My emotions were running high. 

My poor mother-in-law called one evening when I was really, really,  REALLY stressing out and boy, did she get an earful.  I think that was the first time I'd ever been that stressed talking to her. 

A wise woman (my mother) told me to "Give all my worries to God!" I pondered that for quite some time and realized that is just what I should do.  I mean I already "gave" my fiance to God, so I might as well give him my worries as well.  

Thanks to much determination and prayers, I made it through the week in one piece.  I am getting used to being back at work and trying my best to open my heart to these students.  I know I'll never have the same relationship I had with my students from last year because they were there to help me through it all. My kindergartners this year will help with my moving forward process. I just have to allow them to help me. 

I was able to spend some time with Robo's family this weekend which was much over due! I just love each and every minute I have with them ... and it always makes me sad to leave them.

I continue to thank God for bringing them to my life!  They are simply amazing! 

I Made It!

Well, I made it through the first day of the 2012-2013 school year.  I'm not going to say it was easy because it definitely wasn't.

After an emotional evening last night, I woke up this morning telling myself I wasn't going to shed any tears today. I kept trying to get myself excited for this school year because I was excited to meet the new little faces but also very scared for another new beginning.

I kept myself together while getting ready and thought it was going to all go smoothly ... then ... I got into my car.  I'm not sure what it is about the car but it gets me every time. I wasn't even out of the driveway before I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

I was able to compose myself before getting work and dove right in finishing up some last minute things before the students would arrive.  My assistant came in and we started talking and I lost it again.

Why?
Why is it hitting me all right now like a ton of bricks?

He is on my mind constantly thinking about things I was to tell him and stories to share. What would he think about my room and kids this year?

Why?
Why didn't he get to meet this group of students?

Why is it going back to work that seems to be so hard?

I keep going back to that question of why.  I just wish I understood why he had to be taken at 25 with so much life ahead of him.

But, I made it through the day and my mom, brother, and sister-in-law brought me lunch!!!

Bring on day 2!

Missing Him

It's starting to hit me hard that he's really not going to come back.  Why does it take 3+ months for this to happen?

This has been one of the toughest weeks I've had since April.  I have cried more tears than I have since April I think.  I'm just starting to miss him in everything I do.  

I finally bought a photo album to put our engagement pictures and other pictures of us together in.  I hate that my memories of him will be in a book, especially a book that has an end.  I won't be able to continue this book with pictures of him. That's very hard to take in.

Life is too short.  Never hesitate to tell each and every person the means so much to you how much you love them.  You just never know when that day will come that you won't get the chance. I hope Robo knew just how much I loved him. Each and every day he would say, "you'll never know just how much I love you."  What I'd give to hear that one more time.  

                                    One of my favorite engagement pictures ...

"My heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger." ~Sara Evans

Lastly, posting one of my favorite songs right now... gets me every time!

A New Beginning

I never would've dreamed that a new school year would seem to be the hardest thing for me. 

As the year approaches (Teacher's first day is TOMORROW), I find myself missing my Robo more and more. I can chalk it up to just another beginning without him.  

Usually at the beginning of the year, he would at least come and help me once in my classroom. My past two classes knew him and were excited each time he came into the classroom.  It hurts to know that these kids will never get to meet him, but I'm sure they will know about him. 

I pledge to let Robo live on forever.  I will share his story. I will wear his ring.  I will display his pictures. 

I will always be a proud fiance, but it truly saddens me that I will never be able to call him my husband ....

3 Months

I just can not believe that it's been 3 months.

-3 months since I've kissed him
-3 months since I've hugged him
-3 months since I've heard his voice
-3 months since I woke up to him saying "Good Morning Beautiful" and my response being "shut up!". He loved saying that to me every morning when I got out of bed with  my hair a mess and sleepy eyes and each morning he just laughed when I told him to "shut up!"'

If I knew then what I know now, I would've held on a little tighter, kissed a little longer, and told him just how much he meant to me before he left for work that day.  I would've called him just one more time on my way to hear his voice.  I would've text him during the day again to show how much I loved him.

The past few days have been very tough.  I've been missing him so much I can't hardly stand it. 

What I would give to "argue" one more time about who loved whom the most, cook one more dinner, spend one more evening cuddling on the couch, one more night in bed talking about everything under the sun.

I love you to infinity and beyondest Robo William, and I can't wait for the day to see you again. Please continue to stay with me and help me make it through each day.

                                               Our Little  Family - Fall 2011

I'll leave with a song. One of Robo's friends shared this song with me, and it just seems perfect.