That's What Sisters Are For

Last night, I found out just how lucky I am to have my sister. This is a story that will go down in history, and someday I hope to look back and laugh (even harder). 

To preface a little, I met a guy (let's just call him D-bag) last November and began seeing/dating him. We got to a point where we were spending the majority of every weekend together, and I was finally feeling like maybe I would find happiness again. I thought things were going very well .... until ...last Sunday I had a sick feeling in my stomach.  I ended up finding out that he had been talking to another girl. He informed me it'd been going on the whole time we were dating, and I was crushed.  He said he needed time to "think and decide who he wanted because he really liked me and had feelings for her".  After a whole week shedding too many tears and giving him too much time, I finally decided to completely break it off with him for good. 

This is where my sister steps in.  She takes in upon herself for find the "other" girl on facebook and send her a message. This was the start of a conversation between the "other" girl and her discussing what has been going on with D-bag. Then, I began messaging her and ended up having an hour phone conversation comparing all the lies we've been told.  It was lie after lie after lie.... I really can't believe he was able to keep up with all of them ... This girl was very sweet and I'm so glad we were able to connect. We're able to support each other with moving on and not giving him the time of day. 

I got a message from him saying "thanks for ruining everything. Now I lost 2 girls that I care about."  He sure has a funny way of showing he cares ...by lying over AND over ...

In the end, I'm glad I found out about all of these lies after only 5 months. I owe many thanks to my sister for taking a step out to take care of me and assist me with finding out all that D-bag was up to. I chalk this up to just another minor bump in the road called life. 

I thank God and Robert, once again, for looking out for me and showing me this was NOT the right person for me.  Finding out two days before the 1 year anniversary of Robert's death speaks volumes to me. I honestly believe someone was looking out for me. I can still hear Robert laughing and carrying on because he knows just how evil and crazy my sister can be. 

Thank you, Amy, for helping me through this all. From the way we fought when we were younger, I never dreamed we would grow up to have the relationship we have. I'm so thankful to have you and wouldn't change one thing about what we have.  

Here's to moving on in life with God, Robert, and, apparently, my sister on my side! :)

On a much happier note, I'm so glad to have this precious little niece in my life.

I just love little Brynzlee soo much, and it makes me miss my precious nephews being little enough for me to snuggle with them. Now they're all grown up and it's not as "cool" to hang out with their Aunt. 

A Whole Year

Dear Robert, 

        It's so hard to believe that it's been one year since I came home to the most heart stopping, breathtaking news that I never dreamed I would get. These past few weeks, I've found myself reliving every last moment that we had together from our last phone conversation to our last shopping trip together. Our last weekend together will forever be engrained in my mind. We made your dream come true by purchasing you a lawn mower.  You were so excited about it that you literally asked me if you could drive it home from the mall. You just couldn't wait to get on that mower. You were so excited on Sunday morning that you had to take it for a spin to show the neighbor in your church clothes!!  You were so proud. You were even more proud when you were able to actually mow the grass after we got home from church.  I never thought you'd be so excited to mow the grass and I could just kick myself for not taking a picture (or two) of you prancing around on that mower.  You're face was just priceless!!

Besides buying the mower that weekend, we also started our wedding registry. What an exciting beginning to an exciting time.  I felt like I had to control your "kid in a candy shop" outlook when we had the scanner to scan items.  I couldn't let you out of my sight for too long because I just knew that you'd be scanning something that we didn't really need.  Much to my surprise, after coming home to check the registry ... you had scanned the $250 cooler and $800 lawn furniture set because, of course, you thought we needed that.  If I could go back, I'd give you the scanner and let you have at it. It was a moment that you enjoyed and I wish I could've made it last longer for us. 

While you mowed on Sunday, I tackled the housework so we could have some downtime together that afternoon.  That downtime turned into you and I taking a nap; yours being slightly longer than mine. After waking you up, we went to Walmart for groceries and had our last meal together, McDonalds.  How romantic!  It's funny that we had McDonalds the evening we got engaged and as our last supper together. 

Then, it was off to bed and ready to start another week.  Monday morning was our typical day with a kiss goodbye and you leaving for work. You'd always call me after you got there, and honestly, some mornings I would wonder what more you had to say to me.  That morning you called to say you'd be driving a different route because you'd make more money on this one and that you weren't sure what time you'd be home.  We ended with "okay, have a good day! I love you" and you said, "I love you too." I'll forever be thankful that the last words I heard come out of your mouth were you telling me you loved me because that love is what helped carry me to where I am today. 

Anytime I re-live the dreaded week that began with April 23, I can't help but get tears in my eyes. All the details including coming home to a coroner at the door, making "the" call to my Mom and your Mom, making other phone calls, planning the funeral, seeing your lifeless body in that casket for the first time, and seeing ALL the people who came to pay their respect to you .... what a heartbreaking and gut-wrenching week. I'd give anything to know your last thoughts and words while you were taking your last breaths here on this earth. God had a plan to call you home on that day, and as much as I hate it, I have to accept it. I just think how lucky you are to only have to spend 25 years in this cruel world ... and the rest of eternity in Heaven reunited with your Grandpa. It gives me some courage to know that I have you and my Dad up there as my own Guardian Angels to help me carry on.  

Through losing you, I have found some things to be thankful for. 
-I have developed quite a close relationship with your Mom. She will forever by my mother-in-law and a best friend. She's so sweet, and I'm so thankful to have her as well as your brothers and the rest of your family to continue to love and care for me. I know they will be my forever family and I feel like I owe a HUGE "thank you" to you for sharing them with me. 
-You've taught me the importance of being sure to tell everyone just how must you love and appreciate them. You never know when someone will take their last breath and it's so important for them to know just how much you care. 
-I've found just how much of a support system I have ... and I never would've known.  Anytime I need support, I don't have to look far. From family to friends, there's always someone to lift me up.  I would've never imagined that there were so many people who cared for me and would help/assist me with anything I need. 
-and most of all, for my faith in God.  Without God, I sure wouldn't be where I am. Its through Him that I gained the strength to carry on through this massive heartache. You were always right there to support me in my faith, and I am very thankful for that. You've helped me to continue to strengthen my relationship with God. 

I see signs of you so often which show me that you're still watching out for me. There's so many songs that I hear that I feel are you talking to me. Keep sending those signs.  I find comfort in knowing you're still right here with me. 

I feel like I owe you a HUGE thanks for sending baby Brynzlee to our family.  I just know that you had so much to do with that, and it was such perfect timing to bring her here at a time we need the most.  

There's so many things that have happened in the last year that I'd love to share with you, and I know those moments will continue to happen. I'll always hold you very close to my heart and am confident that you will continue to share life through me. I'm trying my best to continue to live a life that would make you proud. I know that the last thing you would want for me is to sit around, be sad, and let life pass me by.  I just know that you would want for me to carry on and be happy in life while continuing to miss you. 

I would give just about anything to have you back here with me and continue to live the life we had. Since I know that is not a possibility, I pledge to you to keep on living life and trying my best to be happy knowing that you will be there waiting for me when God calls me home.  What a wonderful greeting I look forward to! 

I love you forever and always and continue to miss you each and every day.

Sending hugs and kisses all the way to Heaven!  

Until we meet again,

-<3-
Erin

Meet Baby Brynzlee

I am proud to announce that on Friday, April 19, my niece, Brynzlee Grace, made her appearance. What a fantastic and most precious blessing to our family.  She sure is a little piece of heaven. 

I was able to go spend about 3 hours with her on Saturday, and I just wanted to hold her the whole time.  There's nothing more precious than a newborn baby. This one has to be one of the most precious, but I may be biased because she is my very first niece.


Congratulations Nathan and Kristin!  She is such a doll, and you two are so lucky to have her!

I can't wait to snuggle with her again!!

 Here are some beautiful pictures of her:

Simply Perfect

Precious little hand

 

 

 

 

 

So in LOVE! <3

April

I just can't believe that it's already April.  This is definitely going to be a month full of emotions for me.  It's so hard for me to take in that it will be one year since losing Robert. Some days I look back and it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like so, so long ago. I just find myself replaying all the things we did during the month of April last year when we were just living the happily engaged life.  

On a happier note, I just spent the past 3 days with my oh-so-pregnant sister (in law). Baby B will be making her appearance during this month, and I'm so very excited to get to meet my first niece. It's amazing to me how God works, sending a baby to the family at a time when it is most needed. 

I feel like I'm just going to have to push myself to make it through this month. The one year milestone just seems so big and makes it so real that he's really been gone that long. I just have to keep pushing forward. All I can say is ... here goes nothing ... 

March already?!?!

How can it already be March? I feel like these past few months have just been flying by. 

At this point, I'm 5 working days away from a much anticipated 3 week spring break. I feel like I need to get all I can out of this break because the rumors are that next year my school will be on a traditional calendar and there will be no more 3 week long breaks ... so sad! 

Here's what I've been up to the past few weeks: 

February 23 brought the first celebration of bringing more PINK to the family. We had a baby shower for my brother's wife (she was my best friend from high school first.. and he stole her, but I'm not bitter). They're expecting their first child who will just happen to be my first NIECE on April 20. Here's the one and only picture I took from the shower: 

Capturing some of the amazing gifts for Brynzlee

The shower was so fun, and now we're anxiously awaiting the arrival of baby Brynzlee.  God sure knew the perfect time to send a precious little gift to our family. With the one year anniversary of Robert's death on the 23rd, this will for sure boost up my spirits during this time. 

Another Great Visit

...to Tilton. 

My Mom and I made the trip to visit my mother-in-law (or my other Momma, as I like to call her). It simply amazes me how therapeutic these visits are for me. Life has continued to move in fast forward for me and I feel like I'm moving right along in my grief journey by meeting new people and making new friends but always remembering my Robo. He's impacted my life so much! 

Not only did I get to visit with my other Momma today, but some of Robert's friends came over as well and brought their darling little girls, my "nieces". I had such a fantastic time getting to catch up with family and friends as well as playing with three precious little girls. My bro-in-law, Doug, also came over as soon as he got off work. 

Precious Baby S and my Mom

My precious "nieces" and my other Momma

It's so nice to spend time with this family. I kept telling my Mom today how grateful I am for them and for how things have turned out to be.  Do I wish it would all be different? Well, of course, but I have to be thankful that through it all I gained an amazing family who continue to support me. I know they will always be there for me, and that is wonderful. When I text my MIL to let her know we made it home, she says, "I had fun today too. I need to see you because it helps me move on with life. You'll never know how much I love you."

I can't even explain how good that makes me feel.  Thank you, Robert, for giving me your wonderful family! 

The Plague 2013

Okay, so maybe it's not the plague, but I've definitely been hit with the worst sickness I've had in many years. As I write, I'm currently home from work for the THIRD day in a row. Here's how it went. I left for work on Monday feeling just fine, and came home with a 101.4 fever, hurting chest when I cough, and an extremely sore throat. Thinking it was just the flu, I decided to just stay home and take it easy on Tuesday.  When I wasn't any better (actually felt  worse) on Wednesday, I decided it was time to pay a visit to the doctor. Strep throat it is, which is why my throat and tonsils were so very sore. My fever peaked back up yesterday morning which is why I am STILL home. I'm pretty sure my kinders are going to forget who I am ....

Following Dr's orders and pushing the liquids ..

My precious fur baby keeping me company while home

 Sitting at home has given me quite some thinking time. Time to think about how much I really miss Robert. I realized that January 23rd (the 9 month anniversary of his death) passed before my eyes, and I started to feel real guilty. I didn't even realize the day had passed. How can that be?  Is it bad that I seemed to "forget" or is it a good thing that life has kept me so busy?  I just feel so torn. I still think about him each and every day, and even still look at a picture of him every day.  I never want to forget that face and that precious smile.

Grief is such a difficult thing. There's times that I just seem to fight with myself because I don't know the "right" way to be feeling. Even though deep down I know that there is no "right" and "wrong" way because every one grieves in a different way at a different pace. It's just hard to feel so torn and not know the way to go, so I'll just carry on ...