Dear Robert,
It's so hard to believe that it's been one year since I came home to the most heart stopping, breathtaking news that I never dreamed I would get. These past few weeks, I've found myself reliving every last moment that we had together from our last phone conversation to our last shopping trip together. Our last weekend together will forever be engrained in my mind. We made your dream come true by purchasing you a lawn mower. You were so excited about it that you literally asked me if you could drive it home from the mall. You just couldn't wait to get on that mower. You were so excited on Sunday morning that you had to take it for a spin to show the neighbor in your church clothes!! You were so proud. You were even more proud when you were able to actually mow the grass after we got home from church. I never thought you'd be so excited to mow the grass and I could just kick myself for not taking a picture (or two) of you prancing around on that mower. You're face was just priceless!!
Besides buying the mower that weekend, we also started our wedding registry. What an exciting beginning to an exciting time. I felt like I had to control your "kid in a candy shop" outlook when we had the scanner to scan items. I couldn't let you out of my sight for too long because I just knew that you'd be scanning something that we didn't really need. Much to my surprise, after coming home to check the registry ... you had scanned the $250 cooler and $800 lawn furniture set because, of course, you thought we needed that. If I could go back, I'd give you the scanner and let you have at it. It was a moment that you enjoyed and I wish I could've made it last longer for us.
While you mowed on Sunday, I tackled the housework so we could have some downtime together that afternoon. That downtime turned into you and I taking a nap; yours being slightly longer than mine. After waking you up, we went to Walmart for groceries and had our last meal together, McDonalds. How romantic! It's funny that we had McDonalds the evening we got engaged and as our last supper together.
Then, it was off to bed and ready to start another week. Monday morning was our typical day with a kiss goodbye and you leaving for work. You'd always call me after you got there, and honestly, some mornings I would wonder what more you had to say to me. That morning you called to say you'd be driving a different route because you'd make more money on this one and that you weren't sure what time you'd be home. We ended with "okay, have a good day! I love you" and you said, "I love you too." I'll forever be thankful that the last words I heard come out of your mouth were you telling me you loved me because that love is what helped carry me to where I am today.
Anytime I re-live the dreaded week that began with April 23, I can't help but get tears in my eyes. All the details including coming home to a coroner at the door, making "the" call to my Mom and your Mom, making other phone calls, planning the funeral, seeing your lifeless body in that casket for the first time, and seeing ALL the people who came to pay their respect to you .... what a heartbreaking and gut-wrenching week. I'd give anything to know your last thoughts and words while you were taking your last breaths here on this earth. God had a plan to call you home on that day, and as much as I hate it, I have to accept it. I just think how lucky you are to only have to spend 25 years in this cruel world ... and the rest of eternity in Heaven reunited with your Grandpa. It gives me some courage to know that I have you and my Dad up there as my own Guardian Angels to help me carry on.
Through losing you, I have found some things to be thankful for.
-I have developed quite a close relationship with your Mom. She will forever by my mother-in-law and a best friend. She's so sweet, and I'm so thankful to have her as well as your brothers and the rest of your family to continue to love and care for me. I know they will be my forever family and I feel like I owe a HUGE "thank you" to you for sharing them with me.
-You've taught me the importance of being sure to tell everyone just how must you love and appreciate them. You never know when someone will take their last breath and it's so important for them to know just how much you care.
-I've found just how much of a support system I have ... and I never would've known. Anytime I need support, I don't have to look far. From family to friends, there's always someone to lift me up. I would've never imagined that there were so many people who cared for me and would help/assist me with anything I need.
-and most of all, for my faith in God. Without God, I sure wouldn't be where I am. Its through Him that I gained the strength to carry on through this massive heartache. You were always right there to support me in my faith, and I am very thankful for that. You've helped me to continue to strengthen my relationship with God.
I see signs of you so often which show me that you're still watching out for me. There's so many songs that I hear that I feel are you talking to me. Keep sending those signs. I find comfort in knowing you're still right here with me.
I feel like I owe you a HUGE thanks for sending baby Brynzlee to our family. I just know that you had so much to do with that, and it was such perfect timing to bring her here at a time we need the most.
There's so many things that have happened in the last year that I'd love to share with you, and I know those moments will continue to happen. I'll always hold you very close to my heart and am confident that you will continue to share life through me. I'm trying my best to continue to live a life that would make you proud. I know that the last thing you would want for me is to sit around, be sad, and let life pass me by. I just know that you would want for me to carry on and be happy in life while continuing to miss you.
I would give just about anything to have you back here with me and continue to live the life we had. Since I know that is not a possibility, I pledge to you to keep on living life and trying my best to be happy knowing that you will be there waiting for me when God calls me home. What a wonderful greeting I look forward to!
I love you forever and always and continue to miss you each and every day.
Sending hugs and kisses all the way to Heaven!
Until we meet again,
-<3-
Erin
No comments:
Post a Comment