Another Great Visit

...to Tilton. 

My Mom and I made the trip to visit my mother-in-law (or my other Momma, as I like to call her). It simply amazes me how therapeutic these visits are for me. Life has continued to move in fast forward for me and I feel like I'm moving right along in my grief journey by meeting new people and making new friends but always remembering my Robo. He's impacted my life so much! 

Not only did I get to visit with my other Momma today, but some of Robert's friends came over as well and brought their darling little girls, my "nieces". I had such a fantastic time getting to catch up with family and friends as well as playing with three precious little girls. My bro-in-law, Doug, also came over as soon as he got off work. 

Precious Baby S and my Mom

My precious "nieces" and my other Momma

It's so nice to spend time with this family. I kept telling my Mom today how grateful I am for them and for how things have turned out to be.  Do I wish it would all be different? Well, of course, but I have to be thankful that through it all I gained an amazing family who continue to support me. I know they will always be there for me, and that is wonderful. When I text my MIL to let her know we made it home, she says, "I had fun today too. I need to see you because it helps me move on with life. You'll never know how much I love you."

I can't even explain how good that makes me feel.  Thank you, Robert, for giving me your wonderful family! 

The Plague 2013

Okay, so maybe it's not the plague, but I've definitely been hit with the worst sickness I've had in many years. As I write, I'm currently home from work for the THIRD day in a row. Here's how it went. I left for work on Monday feeling just fine, and came home with a 101.4 fever, hurting chest when I cough, and an extremely sore throat. Thinking it was just the flu, I decided to just stay home and take it easy on Tuesday.  When I wasn't any better (actually felt  worse) on Wednesday, I decided it was time to pay a visit to the doctor. Strep throat it is, which is why my throat and tonsils were so very sore. My fever peaked back up yesterday morning which is why I am STILL home. I'm pretty sure my kinders are going to forget who I am ....

Following Dr's orders and pushing the liquids ..

My precious fur baby keeping me company while home

 Sitting at home has given me quite some thinking time. Time to think about how much I really miss Robert. I realized that January 23rd (the 9 month anniversary of his death) passed before my eyes, and I started to feel real guilty. I didn't even realize the day had passed. How can that be?  Is it bad that I seemed to "forget" or is it a good thing that life has kept me so busy?  I just feel so torn. I still think about him each and every day, and even still look at a picture of him every day.  I never want to forget that face and that precious smile.

Grief is such a difficult thing. There's times that I just seem to fight with myself because I don't know the "right" way to be feeling. Even though deep down I know that there is no "right" and "wrong" way because every one grieves in a different way at a different pace. It's just hard to feel so torn and not know the way to go, so I'll just carry on ... 

Today I'm Feeling...

BLESSED!

Let's just say that I usually turn to this blog on my days of feeling so down that I just need to write to get things off my chest.  For some reason, writing it down for others to read seems to help a little. I guess there's times that I am just able to write some things that I wouldn't be able to just say. 

Well...today, I've decided to write for a very different reason.  Today has been a day that I've kept a smile on my face and felt so very blessed for my life right now.

I feel so blessed to have a job that I love!  I had such a fantastic group of kindergartners last year that were so excited for the wedding and also crushed when I lost Robert. They asked questions and helped me to cope through the last few weeks of the school year. I never dreamed that this year I would be that lucky.  At the beginning of the this year, I felt like all I could do was push this new group of students away. They knew nothing about what I'd been through or how somedays I was doing good just to get out of bed and go to work.  Well  ... MY how times have changed just since July. This group of kinders this year are just so precious!  They're soooo sweet and care so much for each other and myself. I've started to notice it more and more just being back from Christmas. Last week, I had to be out one day for a meeting. Before break I seemed to be out quite often for meetings (this is what I get for being involved in sooo many committees ....). This is a group of students that I tell when I am going to be gone .. and they're response was ...."You go to TOOO many meetings ... that is just CRAZY!" When I come back, I get so many hugs and children telling me they missed me.  It feels so good!

I also have a precious little girl that I just know God sent to me for a reason.  She is so interested in Robert and always seems to ask questions about him.  Last week, she sat down next to me during a work time and wanted to know about how Robert died.  We discussed the events and what a heart attack meant.  She asked if I cried, if his Mom cried, and if his Grandma cried. She also wanted to know about where he was buried. So I showed her this picture ... 

Peanut visiting his Dad

 Her response was "that is just SO sad!" She has the most sincere look on her face and then gave me a hug. After that, she went on to ask if I had a boyfriend. I told her no, so she says "Good, because he'd probably just die too." Oh, the innocence of a 5 year old. 

Today she came back to me and asked if my family, his friends, and my friends were all sad when it happened. I know that this is God working through a precious little child. Sending her to me to allow me to discuss my grief with her. I answer all of her questions because I feel like it's only fair to her. She cares so much and wants to know more.

It's so amazing to me how a group of 5 and 6 year olds can boost you up on a day when you're feeling so down. This year, I've decided to focus on the good things that I have going for me. I could spend hours, days, or even months focused on all the bad things that have happened, but I know that's not what Robert would want for me or what I would want for myself. 

Today I choose to feel blessed. Blessed for a job I love, a fantastic family, friends that would do anything for me, an amazing support system, precious little kindergartners that make every day worth it and, of course, Peanut.  

Happy Tuesday!

My Dreams

I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately, but for the past week or so I have been having very odd dreams.  They have been about random people in my life past and present, but they are always very vivid and detailed.  

Then there was last night's dream.  I walked into a hospital room to see Robert lifeless in a hospital bed.  The nurse told me that he was gone, but she would try to see what she could do.  She hollered real loud and he woke up.  He jumped out of bed to take some pills. After swallowing the pills, he laid back down and was dying again.  I screamed his name and he opened his eyes and looked right at me. 

I said, "Robert, I love you!"
He looked me right in the eyes and said, "I love you too!" 
... and then that very moment after getting out that last word, he was gone again and there was no bringing him back. 

I woke up with hope and satisfaction that I was able to tell him just one more time that I loved him and reassured that he loved me too. 

But, as the day went on ... I seemed to get more sad as I thought about it.  What I'd give for one more moment with him.  I wish I could just have one last conversation with him ...

On another note, I was waiting outside with a few of my students because their buses were a few minutes late today.  They were asking to look at pictures on my phone because they wanted to see Peanut.  One of the pictures was the family Christmas picture (can be viewed in the previous post). One of my students asked which was was my husband.  After reminding her I didn't have a husband she said, "oh, that's right ... he's dead". The innocence of small children amazes me. It's the simplicity of life and death ... 

New Year's Eve 2012

 My life a taken quite a journey this year. When 2012 started, Robert and I were living in our own house, making wedding plans for September 29, and preparing for our happily ever after. Here's some pictures to recap the beginning ...

My cousin's wedding in February

St. Patty's Day in St. Louis

My sister's 30th birthday party

Life was simply amazing.  We went and did our food tasting for the wedding, began our wedding registry, and bought Robert a lawn mower. And then, that one horrible, terrible, unforgettable day happened .... the day that I wish I could rewind and simply erase. April 23.  It's a day that replays in my mind very often. Wishing I could've done something different to prevent experiencing the pain and sorrow of losing my very best friend .. the man that meant everything to me ... 

From then on, it really feels like a blur.  As much as I felt the days were dragging on, it seems like I blinked and months flew by.  

Even though this has been a heartbreaking year for me, one of my very sweet friends took the time to remind me that there's also been quite a few positives. I have realized the amazing support system that I have.  I'm so thankful for my amazing family, Robert's fantastic family, and all my friends who have helped me to make it through these past 8 months ... There's been many tough days, but together we've been able to make it so far. I also have a great group of co-workers who stepped up and took over for me as well as supported me through going back to work. I will be forever thankful for that. I have my class of kinders from last year who helped me more than they'll ever know through those last few weeks of school. Then, there's my group this year that always know how to make me smile and help get me through the day.  It's amazing how much 5 and 6 years old can do to help you get through.  They all mean so much to me!   

Here's a few more pictures from the year .. 

Most of the RoCo's

My baby brothers and I

Robert's wedding boot with my wedding bouquet

My memory bear made out of the shirt he wore in our engagement pictures

Everyone at the RoCo picnic

My amazing girls and I

Roe Family Christmas

I can only hope and pray that 2013 will be more positive. Here's some things to look forward to:

-the arrival of my first niece who's due on April 20
-being a bridesmaid in Robert's youngest brother's wedding on October 5
-being the maid of honor is my sister's wedding on November 23

It's heartbreaking to know that this will be the first of many years without Robert, but I know he would want me to carry on ... so I will do my best to make him proud.
 

It's been quite a while .....

... since I've written. 

Life has definitely been moving in fast forward since Thanksgiving. Especially the weekend when I had a wedding and a funeral.  What a busy time. 

I was overjoyed to be standing up with two very special people as they said "I do" on December 8th.  These two actually met through Robert and I in our "man cave". It's so hard to believe that the meeting in the man cave led to a simply BEAUTIFUL wedding!  It was an emotional time for me, but I was just so happy for the two of them and to see them both so happy was perfect.  I had a BLAST at the reception and all the dancing had my legs hurting for quite a few days ...

It was so hard to jump from the excitement of a wedding to attending my Uncle's funeral. He had been fighting cancer, and it just seemed to take over. What a sad story. This was the first funeral that I've attended since Robert's which made it VERY tough. There was one point at the end when everyone was walking by one last time and greeting the family that the events of April fled right back to me and I just started sobbing ....  Thank goodness my Grandma was next to me to console me. I'm still thinking of and praying for my aunt and cousins each day as they move forward from this tragic loss.  It's definitely going to be a tough time for them ... 

And now we're on the countdown until Christmas.....

I'm still trying to find my excitement.  Usually, Christmas is my most favorite time of year and I can't wait to wrap presents, get the decorations up, and enjoy time spent with family.  This year .... it's just not the same at all. Many tears have been shed and I know many more will still come. I just don't have the heart for Christmas this year.  I have made myself buy gifts because I know it's the right thing to do.  

At this point, I'm just ready to push through and move past Christmas.  I'm hoping that it's not this hard for me every year.  There's just a HUGE hole in my heart this year, and I can't imagine celebrating this day without my best friend by my side. If only I could go to Heaven for Christmas day to celebrate.  It would be nice to visit with all of my loved ones that are up there celebrating with Jesus. 

I just keep praying for the strength to keep on pushing to make it through each and every day....... 

Merry Christmas from Peanut Jay!

Thanksigivng 2012

This Thanksgiving weekend sure was a busy one! 

It started off with most of the family gathering at my Mom's house on Thursday. We were missing one of my sister in law's because she was in the hospital with pneumonia and eventually having open heart surgery to replace a valve . All the rest of my immediate family including my Grandma were able to be here as well at Robert's Mom, Grandma, two brothers, and one of his brother's girlfriend.  As we were holding hands going around saying what we were thankful for, I just looked around and almost had tears in my eyes.  Even though one significant person was missing, I couldn't help but be so VERY grateful for the "family" that was able to gather together.  We had a great day that consisted of LOTS of laughs which is what we needed.  I am so thankful that these two families were able to join and become one. It's such a blessing.

We have quite a bit to be thankful for this year with my brother and sister-in-law having a baby on the way AND 2 weddings - my sister and Robert's brother. I know Robert had so much to do with all of this, but I just so wish he could be here to celebrate with us.

My plan was to take pictures this weekend ... but my battery charger for my camera is MIA .... so I guess it's up to you to use your imagination ...