September 29, 2012

 Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of the day I would get to have my own wedding. When Robert asked me to marry him last year ... my dream was starting to come true!  

*Perfect*

Plans were being made, bridesmaid dresses bought, MY perfect dress bought, flowers bought and made into bouquets (thanks to Amy and Kristin), church was booked, reception was booked, photographer, DJ, Limo, etc.  You name it. ... I either had it done or on my list of things to do in the VERY near future. 

September 29, 2012 was THE day!  Oh, the excitement of this day approaching when I would get to walk down the aisle to Robert (with tears in his eyes) and forever become his wife.  What a dream come true. 

and then .... 

April 23, 2012 shattered that dream ... 

God decided that he needed Robert much more than we did here on this earth.   

I couldn't help but think of how different this past week would have been if the wedding was happening. Stress, last minute plans, rehearsal dinner, etc.  What a busy week it could've been.  Instead, I was finding things to do to keep myself busy.  Try to keep my mind off of it. 

I am thrilled to be able to celebrate the joining of two families today even though we didn't get the chance to join in marriage.  I am elated that my family and his family will forever be joined because of the relationship that Robert and I had.  It will be fun for family and friends to gather at the park for a picnic, but definitely not as fun as gathering in the church (and the reception hall) to celebrate a marriage.  

I just find myself continuing to thank God over and over for sending Robert into my life.  Someday I will know why it was for such a short period of time, but it was just amazing.  He was (and will continue to be) a blessing in my life. 

*Here's the man that stole my heart .... and took it all the way to Heaven*

5 Months

Today marks 5 months since he's been gone. Some days I still don't believe it's true.  He's been visiting me in my dreams quite often lately, and those mornings I wake up thinking he will come running back to me. I'd give anything to see him running back to me right now. 

My sister-in-law wrote a blog post about her miscarriage of twins she had last fall.  In her post, she stated that she sees Robo holding her two little angels in Heaven.  Thinking of that seems to put a smile on my face.  Those are the babies he was given to take care of since he wasn't given a child here on earth.  Something that he wanted VERY bad. 

This past month has been a very tough one.  There were so many days I had to force myself to get out of bed and go to work.  My heart just hurts so much from missing him.  There's days I wonder if that will ever get any better. 

"Wish you were here, wish you could see this place. Wish you were near, wish I could touch your face. The weather's nice, it's paradise. It's summertime all year. There's some folks they say "Hello", I miss you so. Wish you were here."

Robert William, I will continue to hold you in my heart and share your story for as long as I live.  So thankful God sent you to me even for such a short time.  I couldn't imagine who I'd be without you.  Love you to infinity and beyondest!   

 I'll leave you with a picture of Peanut laying on Robo's blanket.  He misses his Dad too!

Mask

During my drive home from visiting Robert's family this weekend (one that was filled with LOTS of tears), I began to think that there are days I feel like I'm living life behind a mask.  I feel like I'm continuing my daily life of work but am just going through the motions putting a smile on my face to mask the pain inside. I'm sure people understand that I'm still grieving, but I feel the need to hide it for some reason.  It could be because I want to keep myself together while at school with my students.  They don't know much about Robert, but when they see and picture a ask who he is .. I just respond my fiance.  That's still true, isn't it? 

There's days I look down at the wedding ring on my hand.  I've had people comment on it and ask about my husband.  I tell them the story and then they feel horrible.  Am I just pretending to be married, and lying to myself and others.  I want to keep wearing it because I feel like he bought it especially for me. I want to continue to be "engaged" to him, but when is it time to decide that's no longer occurring?  Another simple question, when do you change your relationship status on Facebook from engaged to single? I know that seems like such a silly question, but it's an action that will break my heart even more.  

I guess with the wedding date quickly approaching, these questions and feelings are rising back up.  I feel like I'm grieving more now than ever.  I was supposed to be a week and a half away from the day I've dreamed of my whole entire life when I would walk down that aisle to my best friend and become his wife.  That dream was simply crushed ... shattered.  

I must find a way to continue to go through the motions each day .... The world is continuing to go on without him.  What a harsh reality! 

Heard this song today and it just hit me .. so I listened to it about 5 times. 

I was blessed to get to have you in my life. How true!  As hard as it was to lose him, I would do it over and over again because God placed a wonderful AMAZING man in my life and I loved EVERY second I had with him ....  

Carry On

Heard this song on the way home from work today. 

Tim McGraw - Carry On
"Mama went to sleep one night and never woke up
Daddy cried a tear into her old coffee cup
Now all he wants to do is drink the hurt all away
If Mama was here I know what Mama would say

Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on

Little sister’s husband ran off with her best friend
Left her and the babies all alone again
It hurts to know the hurt that she’s going through
But I know that she’ll do what she’s gotta do
Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on

Nobody ever said that life was gonna be fair
You’re never gonna get nowhere by running scared
If you look down deep inside you’ll find the faith to make you strong
Oh, oh carry on

I try to walk the sunny side of the street
Don’t let no shadows tangle up my feet
There ain’t no troubles that we can’t rise above
With a handful of faith and a heartful of love
Carry on
Carry on What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on"

After a couple of days of being down and feeling so alone, this was a perfect song to give me hope.  I could hear Robo talking to me telling me to "carry on".  I know that is exactly what he would want for me ... 

Some days I just need help finding the strength and courage ...  

The Dance

As I've stated previously, Robo and I had many conversations about death during our relationship.  I can't help but think that was God preparing me for what was to come.  

For example, 13 days before Robo passed, we were sitting in a local Chinese restaurant having one of our "romantic" dinners (ha!).  I was telling him about the book that I was currently reading. The book is called The Next Best Thing by Kristan Higgans.  This book is about a young widow (in her 20's) whose husband just recently passed away who feels like there is a curse in her family.  Her Mom and her mom's two sisters are called the black widows because all of their husbands passed away as well (all at or around 50). Her sister calls her husband rather frequently because she is afraid he will fall to the curse as well. There's a whole story line behind it, and I won't ruin it for anyone who chooses to read the book. 

BUT I was telling Robo about this over dinner. Explaining that I found it to be so weird because my Dad passed away in his 50's and one of my mom's sister's husband recently passed away as well.  Robert's exact words were "That is going to be us.  I am going to die young, and (my sister) is going to be the one calling (her boyfriend) all the time to make sure he's still breathing" ... takes my breath away to know we had this conversation soooo close to him passing ... Maybe that was another sign from God that this was going to be happening ... 

Driving to work this morning, I heard the song that was played at his funeral.  Garth Brooks "The Dance".  He had told me more than once that he wanted this played at his funeral. 

Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

This fit his life and his personality so well.  I've had this song in my head ALL day today just thinking about Robo over and over.  I am so very thankful for the "dance" we were able to share.  He gave me the best 2 years of my life and I'm so very thankful God placed our two lives together.  What an extra special gift sent straight from God, I just know it.  

I only wish we would've had more time to "dance" because 2 years just wasn't long enough with my Robo.  

 Robert, I will continue to love you with all my heart and miss you each and every day until we meet again ... 

One Month

August 29, 2012 ... One month from today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.  The day I'd been looking forward too since I got engaged.  This was supposed to be the day I would walk down the aisle and marry my best friend!  This is every girl's dream, and I was more than thrilled to be fulfilling this dream! I just couldn't wait ... 

And then April 23,2012 changed my life forever.  God took my best friend and left me so lonely.  As the wedding day approaches, I find myself missing Robo more and more .. 

Yesterday my sister sent me that maid of honor speech she wrote for the wedding... I will share it here, so I will always have a place to see it...

For those here who don't know me, I am Erin's older sister and for awhile I was Robert's worst nightmare. (that's a joke)

I first heard about Robert nonchalantly when he and Erin would talk on the phone nightly. Erin acted like it wasn't a big deal....just a friend... but we all knew better. She showed me a picture of him on Facebook and was quick to point out....doesn't he remind of you of dad?!?  By the look on her face and the excited tone in her voice I knew she was hooked.

Before long, Robert was invited to come meet the Roe fam. He had quite the treat. As typical in the Roe house when everyone is home the house is buzzing and loud, the meals are amazing, games are played, drinks are flowing and everyone has to scream to talk over each other talking at the same time. At dinner, he sat pretty shy and just took it all in. I thought, man this guy can't handle us.  BUT, he came back and hasn't stopped since.

To everyone who had the blessing of meeting our dad, it doesn't seem a coincidence that EVERYONE finds Robert to be like him.  Mannerisms, looks, temper, kind heart, and all. He fills a void we had been missing as a family, but more importantly Erin is loved by a man who she can compare to one of the best men we have ever known. Now, don't be fooled.  Robert has his own sense of flair and keeps the fun rolling. I'm not sure grandma B has ever had more fun teasing someone and although you seem offended we all know you love it.

It is very surreal to see my baby sister grown up and marrying the man of her dreams.  In a journal as I left for college, you wrote a sweet note and mentioned that you looked up to me.  As the years have passed, I have found quite the opposite to be true.  You are an amazing teacher, planting seeds in the kids and making them excited to come to school each day.  The level of patience that you have to manage 20 something kindergartners baffles me.  Did we come from the same mother???  Ha. Your loyalty and love for your family and friends is undeniable.  I love that you are gentle, but can defend someone off with stick. Our friendship has far exceeded our sisterhood by you constantly listening to my random thoughts and phone calls.  You are hilariously funny, quick witted, and you can find the humor in any situation.  I have no doubts that you will be an amazing mother and will balance your life flawlessly.  Most importantly today, I can look up to you for meeting, falling in love, and marrying your best friend. 

I am so happy for both of you and can officially welcome Robo to the Crazy Roe fam.  We love you both and look forward to watching and being a part of your journey together.

Congratulations and God Bless!

Definitely an amazing speech .. just wish I could've heard it at the celebration of our marriage.  

Here's to making it through another day ..... I feel like I have to celebrate each day I make it through ... 

A Week of Emotions

What a week this has been! 

It started with wonderful family and friends assisting with the moving process last weekend. We were able to get most everything out of the house on Saturday in just a few hours.  Bringing ALL of that stuff to my Mom's was the challenge.  How did Robo and I ever acquire so much stuff in one year?! 

Monday evening I had to meet a friend out at my house because he as coming to get the couch and chair from the living room. I thought that would be my last time out at the house, so I made sure to walk through and take in my last breaths in that house. Needless to say, that brought quite a bit of emotions ....... 

Tuesday I ended up going BACK out there to get a couch that was still there. My sister-in-law helped me load it up and she ended up taking it (thank goodness!) to someone that she knew would want it.... That ended up being my last time out at the house.  Oh the memories that Robo and I made in almost one short year... That evening it all hit me that I would no longer be able to walk through the house anymore to relive the memories.  I do have pictures of it just as we had it, but I have a very tough time accepting this was it. 

Then Wednesday came!  The day of closing..... My Mom picked me up from work, so we could make in there on time.  I was almost through signing the papers when the Lady who worked at the title company said, "I see you have a beautiful, shiny ring on, so you are married?" I was blinking back tears telling her I actually am not married because my fiance passed away back in April.  As if I wasn't having a hard enough time making it through closing, this had to be brought up.  I think I made the lady feel horrible, but I had to share his story.  I vow to let him live on through me! 

After a big day Wednesday, Thursday marked 4 months since losing my best friend and love of my life.  What a hard realization to know I've made it through another month, and the days seem to be getting harder ....not easier.... what I'd give to go back to the time when we were together and just pour my heart out to him.  I am confident knowing that he loved me with everything he had and I loved him with everything I have, but I would love to be able to voice that to him over and over ... Just to see him again ...

Then comes Friday ... it used to be one of my favorite days of the week because that meant as soon as I got off work, Robo and I had the WHOLE weekend to spend together. Whether we were spending it with my family, his family, or all alone, I always looked forward to those long days with him. We always woke up happier on Friday knowing we'd have some more time together .... It was only today that I realized I miss him the most on Fridays .......  Now, I get off of work, come home .. and wonder what's next.  No more lazy evenings on the couch watching a movie with him or talking him into going out to dinner, to the mall, and target.  I just miss him so much my heart hurts. I'd give anything to be able to be back in his arms again ... his hugs were soo comforting. 

And tomorrow ... I'm heading over to his hometown to spend some time with his(and MY) family.  I will be going to see his headstone for the first time and just spending some quality time over there.  I am SOOOOOO thankful for the wonderful relationship I have with his family.  I know they'll always be MY family, and that is a wonderful feeling .....