Heard this song on the way home from work today.
Tim McGraw - Carry On
"Mama went to sleep one night and never woke up
Daddy cried a tear into her old coffee cup
Now all he wants to do is drink the hurt all away
If Mama was here I know what Mama would say
Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on
Little sister’s husband ran off with her best friend
Left her and the babies all alone again
It hurts to know the hurt that she’s going through
But I know that she’ll do what she’s gotta do
Carry on
Carry on
What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on
Nobody ever said that life was gonna be fair
You’re never gonna get nowhere by running scared
If you look down deep inside you’ll find the faith to make you strong
Oh, oh carry on
I try to walk the sunny side of the street
Don’t let no shadows tangle up my feet
There ain’t no troubles that we can’t rise above
With a handful of faith and a heartful of love
Carry on
Carry on What don’t kill us makes us strong
Carry on"
After a couple of days of being down and feeling so alone, this was a perfect song to give me hope. I could hear Robo talking to me telling me to "carry on". I know that is exactly what he would want for me ...
Some days I just need help finding the strength and courage ...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Dance
As I've stated previously, Robo and I had many conversations about death during our relationship. I can't help but think that was God preparing me for what was to come.
For example, 13 days before Robo passed, we were sitting in a local Chinese restaurant having one of our "romantic" dinners (ha!). I was telling him about the book that I was currently reading. The book is called The Next Best Thing by Kristan Higgans. This book is about a young widow (in her 20's) whose husband just recently passed away who feels like there is a curse in her family. Her Mom and her mom's two sisters are called the black widows because all of their husbands passed away as well (all at or around 50). Her sister calls her husband rather frequently because she is afraid he will fall to the curse as well. There's a whole story line behind it, and I won't ruin it for anyone who chooses to read the book.
BUT I was telling Robo about this over dinner. Explaining that I found it to be so weird because my Dad passed away in his 50's and one of my mom's sister's husband recently passed away as well. Robert's exact words were "That is going to be us. I am going to die young, and (my sister) is going to be the one calling (her boyfriend) all the time to make sure he's still breathing" ... takes my breath away to know we had this conversation soooo close to him passing ... Maybe that was another sign from God that this was going to be happening ...
Driving to work this morning, I heard the song that was played at his funeral. Garth Brooks "The Dance". He had told me more than once that he wanted this played at his funeral.
Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.
And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance
This fit his life and his personality so well. I've had this song in my head ALL day today just thinking about Robo over and over. I am so very thankful for the "dance" we were able to share. He gave me the best 2 years of my life and I'm so very thankful God placed our two lives together. What an extra special gift sent straight from God, I just know it.
I only wish we would've had more time to "dance" because 2 years just wasn't long enough with my Robo.
Robert, I will continue to love you with all my heart and miss you each and every day until we meet again ...
For example, 13 days before Robo passed, we were sitting in a local Chinese restaurant having one of our "romantic" dinners (ha!). I was telling him about the book that I was currently reading. The book is called The Next Best Thing by Kristan Higgans. This book is about a young widow (in her 20's) whose husband just recently passed away who feels like there is a curse in her family. Her Mom and her mom's two sisters are called the black widows because all of their husbands passed away as well (all at or around 50). Her sister calls her husband rather frequently because she is afraid he will fall to the curse as well. There's a whole story line behind it, and I won't ruin it for anyone who chooses to read the book.
BUT I was telling Robo about this over dinner. Explaining that I found it to be so weird because my Dad passed away in his 50's and one of my mom's sister's husband recently passed away as well. Robert's exact words were "That is going to be us. I am going to die young, and (my sister) is going to be the one calling (her boyfriend) all the time to make sure he's still breathing" ... takes my breath away to know we had this conversation soooo close to him passing ... Maybe that was another sign from God that this was going to be happening ...
Driving to work this morning, I heard the song that was played at his funeral. Garth Brooks "The Dance". He had told me more than once that he wanted this played at his funeral.
Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.
And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance
This fit his life and his personality so well. I've had this song in my head ALL day today just thinking about Robo over and over. I am so very thankful for the "dance" we were able to share. He gave me the best 2 years of my life and I'm so very thankful God placed our two lives together. What an extra special gift sent straight from God, I just know it.
I only wish we would've had more time to "dance" because 2 years just wasn't long enough with my Robo.
Robert, I will continue to love you with all my heart and miss you each and every day until we meet again ...
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
One Month
August 29, 2012 ... One month from today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. The day I'd been looking forward too since I got engaged. This was supposed to be the day I would walk down the aisle and marry my best friend! This is every girl's dream, and I was more than thrilled to be fulfilling this dream! I just couldn't wait ...
And then April 23,2012 changed my life forever. God took my best friend and left me so lonely. As the wedding day approaches, I find myself missing Robo more and more ..
Yesterday my sister sent me that maid of honor speech she wrote for the wedding... I will share it here, so I will always have a place to see it...
I first heard about Robert nonchalantly when he and Erin would talk on the phone nightly. Erin acted like it wasn't a big deal....just a friend... but we all knew better. She showed me a picture of him on Facebook and was quick to point out....doesn't he remind of you of dad?!? By the look on her face and the excited tone in her voice I knew she was hooked.
Before long, Robert was invited to come meet the Roe fam. He had quite the treat. As typical in the Roe house when everyone is home the house is buzzing and loud, the meals are amazing, games are played, drinks are flowing and everyone has to scream to talk over each other talking at the same time. At dinner, he sat pretty shy and just took it all in. I thought, man this guy can't handle us. BUT, he came back and hasn't stopped since.
To everyone who had the blessing of meeting our dad, it doesn't seem a coincidence that EVERYONE finds Robert to be like him. Mannerisms, looks, temper, kind heart, and all. He fills a void we had been missing as a family, but more importantly Erin is loved by a man who she can compare to one of the best men we have ever known. Now, don't be fooled. Robert has his own sense of flair and keeps the fun rolling. I'm not sure grandma B has ever had more fun teasing someone and although you seem offended we all know you love it.
It is very surreal to see my baby sister grown up and marrying the man of her dreams. In a journal as I left for college, you wrote a sweet note and mentioned that you looked up to me. As the years have passed, I have found quite the opposite to be true. You are an amazing teacher, planting seeds in the kids and making them excited to come to school each day. The level of patience that you have to manage 20 something kindergartners baffles me. Did we come from the same mother??? Ha. Your loyalty and love for your family and friends is undeniable. I love that you are gentle, but can defend someone off with stick. Our friendship has far exceeded our sisterhood by you constantly listening to my random thoughts and phone calls. You are hilariously funny, quick witted, and you can find the humor in any situation. I have no doubts that you will be an amazing mother and will balance your life flawlessly. Most importantly today, I can look up to you for meeting, falling in love, and marrying your best friend.
I am so happy for both of you and can officially welcome Robo to the Crazy Roe fam. We love you both and look forward to watching and being a part of your journey together.
Congratulations and God Bless!
Definitely an amazing speech .. just wish I could've heard it at the celebration of our marriage.
Here's to making it through another day ..... I feel like I have to celebrate each day I make it through ...
Friday, August 24, 2012
A Week of Emotions
What a week this has been!
It started with wonderful family and friends assisting with the moving process last weekend. We were able to get most everything out of the house on Saturday in just a few hours. Bringing ALL of that stuff to my Mom's was the challenge. How did Robo and I ever acquire so much stuff in one year?!
Monday evening I had to meet a friend out at my house because he as coming to get the couch and chair from the living room. I thought that would be my last time out at the house, so I made sure to walk through and take in my last breaths in that house. Needless to say, that brought quite a bit of emotions .......
Tuesday I ended up going BACK out there to get a couch that was still there. My sister-in-law helped me load it up and she ended up taking it (thank goodness!) to someone that she knew would want it.... That ended up being my last time out at the house. Oh the memories that Robo and I made in almost one short year... That evening it all hit me that I would no longer be able to walk through the house anymore to relive the memories. I do have pictures of it just as we had it, but I have a very tough time accepting this was it.
Then Wednesday came! The day of closing..... My Mom picked me up from work, so we could make in there on time. I was almost through signing the papers when the Lady who worked at the title company said, "I see you have a beautiful, shiny ring on, so you are married?" I was blinking back tears telling her I actually am not married because my fiance passed away back in April. As if I wasn't having a hard enough time making it through closing, this had to be brought up. I think I made the lady feel horrible, but I had to share his story. I vow to let him live on through me!
After a big day Wednesday, Thursday marked 4 months since losing my best friend and love of my life. What a hard realization to know I've made it through another month, and the days seem to be getting harder ....not easier.... what I'd give to go back to the time when we were together and just pour my heart out to him. I am confident knowing that he loved me with everything he had and I loved him with everything I have, but I would love to be able to voice that to him over and over ... Just to see him again ...
Then comes Friday ... it used to be one of my favorite days of the week because that meant as soon as I got off work, Robo and I had the WHOLE weekend to spend together. Whether we were spending it with my family, his family, or all alone, I always looked forward to those long days with him. We always woke up happier on Friday knowing we'd have some more time together .... It was only today that I realized I miss him the most on Fridays ....... Now, I get off of work, come home .. and wonder what's next. No more lazy evenings on the couch watching a movie with him or talking him into going out to dinner, to the mall, and target. I just miss him so much my heart hurts. I'd give anything to be able to be back in his arms again ... his hugs were soo comforting.
And tomorrow ... I'm heading over to his hometown to spend some time with his(and MY) family. I will be going to see his headstone for the first time and just spending some quality time over there. I am SOOOOOO thankful for the wonderful relationship I have with his family. I know they'll always be MY family, and that is a wonderful feeling .....
It started with wonderful family and friends assisting with the moving process last weekend. We were able to get most everything out of the house on Saturday in just a few hours. Bringing ALL of that stuff to my Mom's was the challenge. How did Robo and I ever acquire so much stuff in one year?!
Monday evening I had to meet a friend out at my house because he as coming to get the couch and chair from the living room. I thought that would be my last time out at the house, so I made sure to walk through and take in my last breaths in that house. Needless to say, that brought quite a bit of emotions .......
Tuesday I ended up going BACK out there to get a couch that was still there. My sister-in-law helped me load it up and she ended up taking it (thank goodness!) to someone that she knew would want it.... That ended up being my last time out at the house. Oh the memories that Robo and I made in almost one short year... That evening it all hit me that I would no longer be able to walk through the house anymore to relive the memories. I do have pictures of it just as we had it, but I have a very tough time accepting this was it.
Then Wednesday came! The day of closing..... My Mom picked me up from work, so we could make in there on time. I was almost through signing the papers when the Lady who worked at the title company said, "I see you have a beautiful, shiny ring on, so you are married?" I was blinking back tears telling her I actually am not married because my fiance passed away back in April. As if I wasn't having a hard enough time making it through closing, this had to be brought up. I think I made the lady feel horrible, but I had to share his story. I vow to let him live on through me!
After a big day Wednesday, Thursday marked 4 months since losing my best friend and love of my life. What a hard realization to know I've made it through another month, and the days seem to be getting harder ....not easier.... what I'd give to go back to the time when we were together and just pour my heart out to him. I am confident knowing that he loved me with everything he had and I loved him with everything I have, but I would love to be able to voice that to him over and over ... Just to see him again ...
Then comes Friday ... it used to be one of my favorite days of the week because that meant as soon as I got off work, Robo and I had the WHOLE weekend to spend together. Whether we were spending it with my family, his family, or all alone, I always looked forward to those long days with him. We always woke up happier on Friday knowing we'd have some more time together .... It was only today that I realized I miss him the most on Fridays ....... Now, I get off of work, come home .. and wonder what's next. No more lazy evenings on the couch watching a movie with him or talking him into going out to dinner, to the mall, and target. I just miss him so much my heart hurts. I'd give anything to be able to be back in his arms again ... his hugs were soo comforting.
And tomorrow ... I'm heading over to his hometown to spend some time with his(and MY) family. I will be going to see his headstone for the first time and just spending some quality time over there. I am SOOOOOO thankful for the wonderful relationship I have with his family. I know they'll always be MY family, and that is a wonderful feeling .....
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Another First
This past Monday I celebrated another first without him ... my birthday.
I've never been overly excited about birthdays, but the past two were exciting to have someone so close to share them with. He always surprised me with flowers and some other awesome gift. Going through the house this past weekend, I actually found the birthday card that he bought for me last year. It had a loud beeping noise when you opened it and talked about hot hot the person reading the card was. He was just so romantic! ha!
I couldn't help but feel a big hole inside me on Monday. It was just another one of the big days that I had to experience without him here in body. What a hard experience.
This is just the beginning of all the firsts I will have without him, and I know he's right beside me helping me make it through each and every day. Everyone tells you it will get easier, but I still think they're crazy because the days seem to get harder and harder. I'm just a day farther away from April 23 when I was last able to see his wonderful smile and hear his sweet voice.
I remind myself that each day I make it through is also one day closer to seeing him and being in his arms again.
I love you Robert William more and more each day, and gosh ..... I miss you sooooo much!
I've never been overly excited about birthdays, but the past two were exciting to have someone so close to share them with. He always surprised me with flowers and some other awesome gift. Going through the house this past weekend, I actually found the birthday card that he bought for me last year. It had a loud beeping noise when you opened it and talked about hot hot the person reading the card was. He was just so romantic! ha!
I couldn't help but feel a big hole inside me on Monday. It was just another one of the big days that I had to experience without him here in body. What a hard experience.
This is just the beginning of all the firsts I will have without him, and I know he's right beside me helping me make it through each and every day. Everyone tells you it will get easier, but I still think they're crazy because the days seem to get harder and harder. I'm just a day farther away from April 23 when I was last able to see his wonderful smile and hear his sweet voice.
I remind myself that each day I make it through is also one day closer to seeing him and being in his arms again.
I love you Robert William more and more each day, and gosh ..... I miss you sooooo much!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Another Chapter Ending ...
After two LONG months of having my first house on the market, I was finally getting some interest in it and received an offer. After bantering back and forth for quite some time, we decided on a price and my realtor called me and said, "congratulations! You just sold your house!"
This has been what I've wanted since losing Robo. We had many conversations about death, and one of them was what we were going to do with the house if one of us passed. I told him that if he passed, I was going to sell the house and move back in with my mom. He told me that if I passed, he was going to sell the house and move back in with MY mom. Why my Mom? Well his explanation was, "she's going to need someone to take care of her." He truly had a heart of gold!
What a step in moving out of the house. Thankfully, when we were still in the shock/numb period, Robo's Mom and brothers came over and we went through all of his clothes and shoes. They ended up taking them all back home with them, so that stuff was already out. but EVERYTHING else was left ....
Last weekend, after a crazy week that consisted of the first week of school AND a home and radon inspection ... Mom and I decided to begin the packing process .. starting in the kitchen.
This weekend, thanks to My mom, sister, sister's boyfriend, mother-in-law, brother-in-law and another amazing friend, we were able to pack up most of the house in boxes and at least move all the boxes here. All that's left is furniture and the garage ... which must get done next weekend.
Closing is August 22 .... a day that I look forward to and dread at the same time .... It just means another Chapter will be ending ... Our first house. The house that we bought together and where we were going to start our lives together with marriage and babies ...
Breaks my heart!
That's the most simple and perfect way to put it. We did have wonderful memories there which I will hold onto forever.
Just have to thank Robo for an amazing birthday present this year (only a week and a half late). I know he had a hand in selling the house right around my birthday.
I love you Robo to infinity and beyondest! Can't wait to see you again ......
Monday, August 6, 2012
What a Week....
Man, was this past week a very trying week for me. There was so much going on and add in the first week of school to the mix. My emotions were running high.
My poor mother-in-law called one evening when I was really, really, REALLY stressing out and boy, did she get an earful. I think that was the first time I'd ever been that stressed talking to her.
A wise woman (my mother) told me to "Give all my worries to God!" I pondered that for quite some time and realized that is just what I should do. I mean I already "gave" my fiance to God, so I might as well give him my worries as well.
Thanks to much determination and prayers, I made it through the week in one piece. I am getting used to being back at work and trying my best to open my heart to these students. I know I'll never have the same relationship I had with my students from last year because they were there to help me through it all. My kindergartners this year will help with my moving forward process. I just have to allow them to help me.
I was able to spend some time with Robo's family this weekend which was much over due! I just love each and every minute I have with them ... and it always makes me sad to leave them.
I continue to thank God for bringing them to my life! They are simply amazing!
My poor mother-in-law called one evening when I was really, really, REALLY stressing out and boy, did she get an earful. I think that was the first time I'd ever been that stressed talking to her.
A wise woman (my mother) told me to "Give all my worries to God!" I pondered that for quite some time and realized that is just what I should do. I mean I already "gave" my fiance to God, so I might as well give him my worries as well.
Thanks to much determination and prayers, I made it through the week in one piece. I am getting used to being back at work and trying my best to open my heart to these students. I know I'll never have the same relationship I had with my students from last year because they were there to help me through it all. My kindergartners this year will help with my moving forward process. I just have to allow them to help me.
I was able to spend some time with Robo's family this weekend which was much over due! I just love each and every minute I have with them ... and it always makes me sad to leave them.
I continue to thank God for bringing them to my life! They are simply amazing!
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