How a Nursing Home is like a College Dorm....

After a visit to a nursing home today to see my sweet Grandma (in-law), I kept thinking back to my college dorm life and thinking of the similarities. 

1. You have your own "nook".
You have your own little space in the room where you can hang pictures, posters, or anything else up to show that this is YOUR space. Make sure to keep these close to your bed so that is the last thing you look at before you go to sleep.

2. Roommates
You're lucky enough to live in the same room as another person. This may work out to your advantage, or not.  You're lucky if it's a friend or someone that you enjoy spending time with .... you're not lucky if it's someone that doesn't stop talking, is not on the same sleep schedule, or just plain ANNOYS you.

3. Dining Hall
Whether it's breakfast, lunch, or dinner, all you have to do is go to the nearest dining hall for some food.  It may not be what you enjoy eating, but you don't have to cook it or clean up after it.  Score!

4. Someone in Charge
You have these nurses (or RA's) to come in and check on you whenever needed. They're job is to make sure you stay under control, and aren't breaking too many rules.

5. Your loved ones abandon you.
Your loved ones will come visit, spend some time with you, and may even take you off the premises ..... but at the end of the day, you always end up back in that same "nook" in the same bed with the same crazy roommate(s)!

There's nothing quite like a nursing home visit to inspire a blog post. This poor "roommate" of Grandma's was very worried about paying insurance bills today.  She asked me at least 15 times while I was there if I would be working tomorrow because she needed to write me a check for what she owed me.  The conversation between her and Grandma was quite the sight to see!

Seeing Grandma always makes my heart happy!  This is the first time I've been to see her by myself, and it was the true test to see if she knew who I was.  It took a little bit but she definitely remembered me as an association to Robert.  She is the sweetest lady, and she means so much to me.

I took her a copy of this picture today, so she'll always have Peanut to look at :)

God bless those  people who work in nursing homes! I'm not sure I could do it although I work with 5 and 6 year olds each day, and their similarities may just make for another blog post!

Catching Up

I've been putting this blog on the back burner for the past couple of months.  I always have wonderful blogging ideas pop into my head, but I can never seem to find the time to document. I guess I've made progress in thinking that I don't always turn to this is my very low points as I did when I started this blog.

Weeks are crazy, weekends are even crazier and it seems I don't have much time to sit down and just write ... but get ready for true honesty....

This week has been so full of emotions for me.  I've cried more tears this week than I have in quite some time.  Why, you ask?  I wish I had the answer. 

Saturday, I went to the hospital to visit Laury after not seeing her for two weeks.  I walked into the room to her sitting in a recliner with the tv on and a smile on her face.  This one small moment meant so very much to me.  This is a woman that I love so dearly.  She means the world to me and I value everything about her and everything she is to me. She has been in the hospital for 3 and 1/2 months and I do believe Saturday was the most positive and upbeat that she has been since she went in there.  I also was able to watch her stand up from the chair (using a walker) and make it to the bed with very little help.  Last time I saw her stand up was a couple months ago and she had one person on each side to help her and she was SOO nervous.  The strength she's grown since then is just wonderful!  I can't wait until the day I can say she is leaving the hospital.  This has been a very long, long couple of months for her, but I know she will bounce back stronger than ever.  She is loved by many, many people and has 2 of the greatest Angels on her side!

I also visited some of Robert's (and my) friends this weekend.  I have not seen them since October and I missed them and their girls so much.  We were able to catch up and they showed me their new house.  I value the time I spend with them as well. I met them through Robert, but they continue to be wonderful friends and supporters to me. As soon as I pulled off of their street to head home, the tears just started flowing.  And the was the beginning of these emotions .... Being around them makes me miss Robert. I miss his presence, I miss having a driving buddy, and I just miss him.  Simple as that.

This week has been very trying for me.  I've been cussed out by a student (not one of mine) and felt disrespected by others. I've been working long days to get caught up and just feel like I'm wearing so thin..... 

When days like this start to get to me, I just have to remember my purpose.  I have 23 sweet kinders that greet me each day.  They test my patience at times but they are also there to hug me when I'm sad and worry when I'm gone.  Just this week, one student begged his mom to come to school because he "missed Ms. Roe and wants to learn". That, my friends, is what keeps me going. 

I also stayed at school until 6:30 tonight in hopes of getting some work done.  Did I get a lot accomplished? No!  But I did get to talk to some amazing coworkers who listened and shared their frustrations as well.  Thank goodness we have each other for support ... because some days I feel like that's all we have.

These little things seem to get me down until I stop and think.  I woke up this morning and my heart is still beating.  That, I must be thankful for because unfortunately, there are some people that have their life swept away from them way too soon.  I must find it in me to be thankful for the life I've been given and carry on with my head held high and finding the joy in each day.

Thank you, Robert, for helping and guiding me each day!

Life Happens

Every time I thought to sit down and write a post .... life happened!
 
Last week, I had the perfect post all written (in my head, of course) and that didn't seem to get me anywhere.  So here it goes ...
 
I had 2 evenings in a row last week that had Mr. Robert William Connor shining his light so bright.  I felt him so very close to me that at times it brought tears to my eyes.

 

Bryn says, "Mom, can I please stay with Erin a little longer ... I just LOVE her!"

One evening, my Mom and I, with Brynzlee in tow, drove to the famous Beef House to meet my brother Nathan, SIL, Robert's brother Jake, his girlfriend and their son Kaz for dinner.  We met to "give back" Bryn even though if it was up to me, I would've kept her just a little longer (although I know her Mom wouldn't allow that)! There was a moment during that dinner that I looked around the table at all of these members of my family and felt so very blessed.  The moment that I had both Bryn and Kaz in my hands, I couldn't help but think how proud Robert is of these two very special babies and how he was the lucky one that held them in his arms before sending them here to join us. These two children are two of the reasons that keep me going each day. They are gifts from God that comfort me and help me cope through losing my best friend. 

Proud aunt with Bryn and Kaz

The next evening, 4 of my wonderful friends from college and I met up in Sprinfield for dinner. We usually try to see each other at least twice a year, and this was a special added on visit.  My precious friend, Courtney, tragically lost both of her parents a week apart from each other this past fall.  All of us girls wanted to get together to help lift her spirits a bit. I can't even begin to describe how much I enjoyed the talks we had in the car on the way to Springfield and on the way home.  It's so comforting to discuss feelings, cry, and simply be true with each other.  Grief is hard.  That's the end of the story.  Everyone grieves differently and you never know when it's going to come back at you.  Through our talks, I felt I've moved farther in my grief journey to discuss matters with her, but I also felt she helped me so much.  As much as I hate having grief in common, it's so nice to have someone so close to have these discussions with.  Sometimes you just need an outlet to talk to.  Of course, I enjoyed visiting with the 3 other wonderful ladies that evening! We need dinner dates a little more often. 

Some pretty amazing ladies

 

Gotta have the selfie :)

After these two evenings, I just couldn't help but be thankful for all that God has blessed me with.  I try to choose life and happiness most days to help me continue to move through my journey.  Two nights full of a table of family and a table of close friends were what I needed to help me realize the gifts God has given me. It reminds of the song my Martina McBride "Anyway"

"God in great but sometimes life ain't good.
When I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should.
But, I do it anyway"

Martina is right, sometimes life just sucks, but we have to pick ourselves up. We must focus on the positives and choose to live.  After all, we're only given one life to live!

Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the ......

Roses .... Body wash.

That's right, I said body wash. 

While at Dollar General today to pick up a few essentials, I walked down the aisle and my eyes caught this ...

The first thought that came to me was "that was Robert's body wash".  And then it hit me, that stab right in the heart that just makes me miss him even more than I already do every day.

Do I dare just pull it off the shelf and smell it just one time?

Of course! And the smell brought it all back to me.  How the bathroom would smell after he got out of the shower and what I would smell while laying my head on his chest before going to sleep.

Then the thought crossed my mind, do I buy it just so I can have that smell whenever I want it?!? Well, I might be crazy, but I'm not quite that crazy.  I decided to take one or 2 or 3 whiffs before placing it back on the shelf. 

Walking away made me smile.  I just love the little moments that bring him back to me.  It's amazing that sometimes its simple little things that bring back a whirl of memories.  I am forever grateful for each and every moment.

In other news, I finally got my hands on a copy of a picture from the Connor wedding..

I bring you my wonderful, super, amazing, supportive, and awesome Connor family.  The people in this picture mean soo much to me, and I'm so glad we were able to capture this moment .. especially with sweet Grandma Smiley.  This family will always be considered my family and I love it!

My sweet MIL is still in the hospital.  She's moved to rehab and is getting physical therapy every day. I continue to pray for her strength daily.  Today marks 8 weeks since she went in the hospital and I look forward to the day we can celebrate that she's going home.

Stay warm!  This winter weather is killing me .... 2 snow days in one week and more negative degree weather ahead of us.  Come on Spring!!  

2013 - What a Year

Can't believe we've reached the end of another year.  What a year it has been! 

Here's a review:

January - My Mom, sis, and I went wedding dress shopping!  It was so much fun helping her pick out the perfect dress! At the end of the month, I was struck with strep throat. This entitled me to 3 long and horrible days full of high fevers and swollen tonsils at home away from my kinders!  I hated to be away from them for the long! 

"This is the one!!!!"

Pushing lots of liquids ... per the Dr's orders

February - My Mom and oldest bro's birthdays as well as a baby shower for my SIL and Miss Brynzlee. It took place at my Mom's house and it was so much fun to buy PINK baby items!  Celebrated my first Mardi Gras in St. Louis!  It was a wonderful time .. minus a certain someone :)  Definitely fun to spend time with my sis, BIL, and BFF Denise!

 

March - Enjoyed my last 3 week break from school. Definitely loved the balanced calendar and having 3 week breaks in the fall and spring.  I also, for the first time, made AND iced my own batch of sugar cookies.  That's something to be proud of!

April - My sister's birthday and 4 days later Brynzlee Grace entered the world.  Holding my niece for the first time in the hospital was simply precious. I learned just how loyal (and sometimes crazy) my sister can be as well as the importance of moving on when someone just isn't worth it! This month also brought the dreaded one year anniversary of losing my very best friend. It was an emotional couple of days as I relived the week of his death.  I spent that evening at dinner with my Mom, Robert's Mom, both of Robert's brothers and their girlfriend/fiancé. It was the only way to spend the evening ... with the family that knew exactly what I was going through.

May - We had an impromptu IC girls weekend at my BFFAE's new house!  This is a group of girls that all met in college and we've continued a yearly tradition of spending the first weekend in December together.  A new house prompted us to have a mid year meeting and it was WONDERFUL!  Memorial Day weekend brough Brynzlee's first time to Grandma Kathy's house as well as meeting Uncle Ryan, Aunt Donna, and Robert's precious family.  I just love when the entire RoCo gang gather's together.

June - Winding down of the school year!  Spending my last few days with one of my favorite classes.  It really was a great school year with very caring kinders. I also put up a pool discovered it had holes ... took down that pool, and put up a new pool! That's determination .. but I definitely needed a pool for soak up some sun in.  Little Miss Rinley McCoy made her appearance this month and I was so excited to make my way over to meet her.  This trip landed me with some special time with my MIL, meeting Miss Rinley, spending some "oh so fun" time with Jamie, Katie, Addison, Peyton, and Sawyer, and attending Miss Peyton's Tball game!  Such a fun day!

July - I felt like getting my classroom ready, but due to a change in schedule .. this is the first year that didn't start in July.  I sort of felt lost for a while. Brynzlee made her first trip to my Grandma's house and I celebrated another July 11 (Robo's birthday) without him.  Robo's brothers planned another yearly "birthday" party for him. It was such a fun time to visit with some wonderful people that Robo brought into my life. It breaks my heart he's not there to celebrate with us.  He sure would have enjoyed Tyler's singing/dancing. During this month, I also "kidnapped" Peyton and Sawyer for a night (to give Mom and Dad a night off) and had a blast with them!  We swam and played and had a wonderful time.  I hope to do it again soon.

August - the beginning of a new school year.  I actually had open house on my birthday this year ... nothing like spending about 11 hours of your birthday at work.  It's a good thing I love my job! My SIL and I's birthdays are just days apart, so we always celebrate together.  We had a great day full of more RoCo family time.  I can't say enough how much I love that precious time! I also attended my new SIL's bridal shower!

September - Planned and had my sister's bridal shower that turned out great! Also, went to Chelsea's bachelorette party preparing for her and Doug's wedding. This was the beginning of a crazy busy fall for me.  September 29 brought on more emotions as it would've been Robo and I's 1 year anniversary of being husband and wife.  I just wish for one day I could've called him my husband ...

October - CRAZY!!  Every weekend was booked!  First up, I had the honor to stand up in Doug and Chelsea's wedding. It made me proud to see Robo's (and my) little brother getting married.  Addison sure made the wedding interesting, and it was just beautiful.  What a great time celebrating! Next up, heading to Indy with my Mom and two nephews to babysit my niece for a night.  My brother was in a wedding and him and my SIL deserved an adult night away. I sure did enjoy spending time with all the kiddos together! Next, the annual Roe Family Winery Trip which also was paired with my Sis and now BIL's bachelor/bachelorette parties. It was a fun time with family/friends, but it always makes me miss Robo .. and then I get sad.  The last weekend of the month was a baby shower to honor Melissa and little Mr. Kaz Robert Connor.  Such a fun time celebrating a new baby in the family!

November - another crazy month!  We had a wedding prep weekend to help my sis with the finishing touches of the weekend. Mr. Kaz made his appearance on the 18th.  And before I knew it ... TobeJonesyday was here!  My sis married her prince charming and best friend and I'm happy to say I have a new BIL.  The wedding was gorgeous and so much fun even if it was freezing outside!!! Right after the wedding came Thanksgiving.  I was able to meet my nephew, Kaz, for the first time and celebrate Thanksgiving with family. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, my MIL was taken into the hospital and found out she had a hole in her colon and was full of infection.  I spent most of the day at the hospital with my BIL's and Aunt in law, while my MIL was in surgery to install a drain to get rid of some of the infection.

December - Annual IC Girls weekend!  I look forward to this weekend every year.  This was the first time it was held in Jacksonville (usually held here). We had a blast spending time together and enjoying each other's company.  One of my very special friends lost both of her parents within a week of each other this fall, so it was great to spend some time with her.  My heart breaks for her.  The next weekend I was headed to Indy again (through a snowstorm) to surprise see my brother for a 30th birthday party. You can't surprise a person who knows everything ... right Kristin? The next weekend brought my family celebrating Christmas together.  We had a fun game night and enjoyed lots of laughs and time together.  Next was Christmas.  Mom, Grandma, and I headed to STL to spend it with Amy and T.  It was a relaxing time well spend.  Some shopping, card playing, and eating great food. Within this weekend craziness, I was also heading to Champaign to spend time with my MIL. She's still in the hospital.  She's had her colon repaired and is on the mend.

This holiday season has brought many emotions to me this year.  I feel like I'm having a harder time than I was last year.  Its the little things that are said or done that seem to get to me the most. I know it's all part of the grieving process. Robert is still very much alive within me. I could feel him at my sister's wedding the moment she was walking down the aisle with my brothers.  I just miss him greatly, but know that he is forever in my heart.

I hope 2014 brings health and happiness to all my friends and family especially my precious MIL. She deserves a wonderful and HEALTHY year!  I look forward to a new year to focus on my happiness and moving forward in this game called Life. 

Happy New Year to All!

Mid December Already?!

It's definitely been quite a busy start to December. 

My mother in law in still in the hospital. She's had many ups and downs over the past two weeks with 3 difference procedures to put in a drain, vacuum out some infection, and fix the drain that was leaking. She was moved from a regular room to ICU and I got word that she was very swollen and that her kidneys were slowing down. I knew I needed to get over there and see her. My Mom and I went once last week and once this week. On Tuesday, she seemed so much better. She was awake, alert, and talking. She made sure to tell me to give Peanut a hug for her. 

I headed over to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning today to see her before they took her for surgery to repair the hole in her colon. The doctor made sure to stress that this was a pretty risky surgery. All of her siblings made it over to see her before they took her this morning. We even had the Dr. come in the room before the surgery to pray with all of us.  It was such a neat moment. When they took her this morning, she had tears in her eyes telling us all goodbye. Broke. My. Heart.  

Before heading into surgery

We kept getting updates throughout the surgery and finally the doctor came in to tell us the surgery went as expected. He was able to take out about 6 inches of her colon. He said she wasn't out of the woods yet because there's still a long road of recovery ahead of her. He did get the problem fixed though. He even thanked us for praying with him before hand and said that he said another prayer before starting.  God is in control! 

Love spending time with this little man .. even if it's in a hospital.  Can't help but think how proud Robert is of this boy!

Seeing Laury awake after surgery was wonderful.  She was in pain and looked a little swollen but just seeing her there gave me much relief.  She said "well, I woke up after the surgery and that's a good thing".  Thanks for all of the prayers! 

On top of getting daily updates from my BIL about Laury, I've been busy with my kinders and their magical elf "North" who came to visit our classroom. (Only my students would name their Elf after Kim and Kanye's baby ... although they picked the name since he's from the North Pole)  The magic of Christmas in the eyes of a child is amazing!  I love nothing more than to see their eyes light up when talking about Santa.  We've been learning Christmas carols and the students are really enjoying it.  

I started wrapping their gifts tonight.  I love giving them a little gift to open at school. For some of my students, it may be one of the few gifts they receive and I want them to experience opening a present! 

Half way down wrapping for the kinders

Last weekend was the annual Pixley 3rd girls reunion!  Every year, 4 other wonderful friends and myself get together the first weekend of December.  It's always a weekend of laughter and catching up with each other.  We did some shopping, wine (and beer) drinking, game playing, crying, and of course, lots of laughing. I love these girls so much and we've truly experienced many of life's ups and downs together. We've decided we need to make this a bi-annual thing ... so hopefully we'll meet again in June. 

Annual picture by the tree.  Love these ladies!

On an unrelated note, I heard two songs today that seemed to hit my heart pretty good. 

First one, Luke Bryan - Drink a Beer
"Funny how the good ones go too soon, but the good Lord knows the reasons why, I guess
Sometimes the greater plan is kinda hard to understand. Right now it don't make sense. I can't make it all make sense." 
 This explains my outlook on Robo so well.  I just can't seem to understand why he was taken so early in the prime of his life. We were supposed to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after ... but all of that stopped on April 23, 2012.  All I know is God has a plan ..... even if I don't understand it. 

Next song, Lowcash Cowboys - Best Seat in the House
"From the front steps of the pearly gates, I swear sometimes I can hear you say"Come on angels gather round." That's my boy girl now ain't you proud. And I point up into the sky it don't matter day or night I know somewhere just above the clouds my old man is watching me right now form the best seat in the house. Yeah I know you're looking down from the best seat in the house."
This song makes me miss my Dad so much, but it's true that I know he's watching me from the best seat in the house. I can't help but miss him and think of all the things he's missed out on here ... even though I know he's experiencing it all in Heaven. 

I'm so lucky to have two of the most special men in my life watching out for me, but it's still difficult knowing they were both taken way too soon. 

5 more days with my kinders until Christmas Break!  Here's to a crazy, fun, and tiring week!