New Year's Eve 2012

 My life a taken quite a journey this year. When 2012 started, Robert and I were living in our own house, making wedding plans for September 29, and preparing for our happily ever after. Here's some pictures to recap the beginning ...

My cousin's wedding in February

St. Patty's Day in St. Louis

My sister's 30th birthday party

Life was simply amazing.  We went and did our food tasting for the wedding, began our wedding registry, and bought Robert a lawn mower. And then, that one horrible, terrible, unforgettable day happened .... the day that I wish I could rewind and simply erase. April 23.  It's a day that replays in my mind very often. Wishing I could've done something different to prevent experiencing the pain and sorrow of losing my very best friend .. the man that meant everything to me ... 

From then on, it really feels like a blur.  As much as I felt the days were dragging on, it seems like I blinked and months flew by.  

Even though this has been a heartbreaking year for me, one of my very sweet friends took the time to remind me that there's also been quite a few positives. I have realized the amazing support system that I have.  I'm so thankful for my amazing family, Robert's fantastic family, and all my friends who have helped me to make it through these past 8 months ... There's been many tough days, but together we've been able to make it so far. I also have a great group of co-workers who stepped up and took over for me as well as supported me through going back to work. I will be forever thankful for that. I have my class of kinders from last year who helped me more than they'll ever know through those last few weeks of school. Then, there's my group this year that always know how to make me smile and help get me through the day.  It's amazing how much 5 and 6 years old can do to help you get through.  They all mean so much to me!   

Here's a few more pictures from the year .. 

Most of the RoCo's

My baby brothers and I

Robert's wedding boot with my wedding bouquet

My memory bear made out of the shirt he wore in our engagement pictures

Everyone at the RoCo picnic

My amazing girls and I

Roe Family Christmas

I can only hope and pray that 2013 will be more positive. Here's some things to look forward to:

-the arrival of my first niece who's due on April 20
-being a bridesmaid in Robert's youngest brother's wedding on October 5
-being the maid of honor is my sister's wedding on November 23

It's heartbreaking to know that this will be the first of many years without Robert, but I know he would want me to carry on ... so I will do my best to make him proud.
 

It's been quite a while .....

... since I've written. 

Life has definitely been moving in fast forward since Thanksgiving. Especially the weekend when I had a wedding and a funeral.  What a busy time. 

I was overjoyed to be standing up with two very special people as they said "I do" on December 8th.  These two actually met through Robert and I in our "man cave". It's so hard to believe that the meeting in the man cave led to a simply BEAUTIFUL wedding!  It was an emotional time for me, but I was just so happy for the two of them and to see them both so happy was perfect.  I had a BLAST at the reception and all the dancing had my legs hurting for quite a few days ...

It was so hard to jump from the excitement of a wedding to attending my Uncle's funeral. He had been fighting cancer, and it just seemed to take over. What a sad story. This was the first funeral that I've attended since Robert's which made it VERY tough. There was one point at the end when everyone was walking by one last time and greeting the family that the events of April fled right back to me and I just started sobbing ....  Thank goodness my Grandma was next to me to console me. I'm still thinking of and praying for my aunt and cousins each day as they move forward from this tragic loss.  It's definitely going to be a tough time for them ... 

And now we're on the countdown until Christmas.....

I'm still trying to find my excitement.  Usually, Christmas is my most favorite time of year and I can't wait to wrap presents, get the decorations up, and enjoy time spent with family.  This year .... it's just not the same at all. Many tears have been shed and I know many more will still come. I just don't have the heart for Christmas this year.  I have made myself buy gifts because I know it's the right thing to do.  

At this point, I'm just ready to push through and move past Christmas.  I'm hoping that it's not this hard for me every year.  There's just a HUGE hole in my heart this year, and I can't imagine celebrating this day without my best friend by my side. If only I could go to Heaven for Christmas day to celebrate.  It would be nice to visit with all of my loved ones that are up there celebrating with Jesus. 

I just keep praying for the strength to keep on pushing to make it through each and every day....... 

Merry Christmas from Peanut Jay!

Thanksigivng 2012

This Thanksgiving weekend sure was a busy one! 

It started off with most of the family gathering at my Mom's house on Thursday. We were missing one of my sister in law's because she was in the hospital with pneumonia and eventually having open heart surgery to replace a valve . All the rest of my immediate family including my Grandma were able to be here as well at Robert's Mom, Grandma, two brothers, and one of his brother's girlfriend.  As we were holding hands going around saying what we were thankful for, I just looked around and almost had tears in my eyes.  Even though one significant person was missing, I couldn't help but be so VERY grateful for the "family" that was able to gather together.  We had a great day that consisted of LOTS of laughs which is what we needed.  I am so thankful that these two families were able to join and become one. It's such a blessing.

We have quite a bit to be thankful for this year with my brother and sister-in-law having a baby on the way AND 2 weddings - my sister and Robert's brother. I know Robert had so much to do with all of this, but I just so wish he could be here to celebrate with us.

My plan was to take pictures this weekend ... but my battery charger for my camera is MIA .... so I guess it's up to you to use your imagination ... 
 

"Stand By You"

Have you ever had a song that just seems to hit you EVERY time you hear it?  I go through spurts with different songs, but this week it has definitely been Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go. 

"I will stand by you. I will help you through. When you've done all you can do, and you can't cope. I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight, and I won't let go."

It brings me to tears every time I hear it, and I think it's for two different reasons. 

One is because it makes me miss having Robert with me to "stand by me" through everything that was thrown our way.  We had a remarkable relationship and we were there to support each other through it all. I just hate that it had to end so early, and I don't get to move forward with him "standing by me".

The second reason is I get overwhelmed with the people who have stood by me since April 23. There's those people that check in with me weekly or even daily with calls, texts, even Facebook messages just to let me know they care and they've been thinking of me.  I don't want to create a list because I just know I'd forget someone and I wouldn't want to do that. Just know that I appreciate each and everyone who reaches out to me. I have an amazing support system that I know will be here for me no matter how crazy my emotions get.  Thank you to those family members and close friends that have stood by me. I'm so thankful that you've been placed in my life especially at a time when I need it the most. 

Here's the video:

Thankful

After seeing so many people do posts on what they are thankful for this month of November, I've definitely been thinking of all the things that I have to be thankful for. 

Here it goes, I'm thankful for:
1. First and foremost,  Robert and the positive effect he had on my life.  This includes being thankful for: God joining our lives together, Robert showing me the true meaning of how it feels to love and be loved, each and every moment that I had with Robert, and the person that I am because he came into my life.  I could go on and on about how Robert changed my life for the better and I will be forever grateful for that. 

2. my fantastic family who have been a wonderful support system for me these past few months. I know the days aren't easy, but they're always there to offer hugs, advice, or even just ears to listen to me ramble.

3. the AMAZING family I have because of Robert.  I know I say this time and time again, but I just can't say it enough how much they all mean to me. They continue to support me and I know that they are my forever family as well.  I'm very lucky to have gained such amazing "in-laws" through Robert.

4. the belief in God and the promise of an eternal life with him.  It's very comforting to think that when my time here on earth is done, I will move on to Heaven and be welcomed by my Dad, Robert, and all the other angels that await me. After all, this is the place where Robert was finally able to meet to my Dad.

5. my job which includes my wonderful coworkers and great kiddos that I have.  It's a good feeling to enjoy going to work these days even though some days my heart just isn't in it. My co-workers are there to support me any time I need it and my kiddos are there to make me laugh each and every day. It's great to have a career that you enjoy.

6. Friends... I've got some of the best friends a girl could ask for. They continue to check on me and support me each and every day through this journey. 

7. my Peanut Jay. I know he's just a dog, but he's also helped me get through this.  There's days I think he loves and misses Robert just as much as I do. Sometimes all I need is to cuddle with him to make my day better. He's definitely seen quite a few tears and seems to always get closer to me when I'm upset. 

I know this list seems rather short, and I have many other things to be thankful for. As I approach the upcoming holidays, I am trying to find time each day to choose joy and thankfulness. God has blessed me with a pretty darn good life  and I am thankful for that. We should all cherish the life we have because our days are numbered. Remember to be thankful for all you have been given.

On My Mind

To say that Robert is always on my mind is a definite understatement.  I think of him at least a million times a day and what each day would be like had he still been here with me. 

This past weekend, he seemed to occupy more of my time and it was one of those weekends that I found myself missing him more and more. I'm not sure what it was that caused this, but every free moment I had was spent thinking about him and missing him being right there with me.  I spent part of the weekend at my Grandma's, and I felt a huge hole being there without him.  The last time I stayed the night there was during my break in the spring when I took my wedding dress over there.  He wasn't with me, but of course, I talked to him quite a few times while I was there.  Sitting in the family room visiting with family made me miss him, because I missed his smartass comments and contributions to the conversation.  Going to church was very difficult.  I had to fight back tears because I hadn't been to my Grandma's church since my cousin's wedding in February and Robert was by my side. 

It's amazing how sometimes its the simple little things that bring back all the emotions and grief. Yesterday, I attended a bridal shower for a good friend who Robert and I actually "set up" her and her now fiance. The time there was fun seeing many coworkers and friends, but I got in the car to drive home and the tears started falling.  Here comes that bad feeling of missing out on celebrating my bridal shower.  Not because I wanted the gifts, but more because that would be one step closer to the dream wedding that was being planned.  

Today Robert and I should be celebrating our one month anniversary of being Mr. and Mrs. We should be reminiscing the wonderful events of our wedding. Instead, I sit here thinking it's been 189 long, dreary days since I last woke up to him right beside me and heard his sweet voice.

The days seem to only get longer, but I just think that each day that goes by is one day closer to being reunited with him again in Heaven. 

6 Months

August 13, 2011

6 months ago today my life changed forever.  A very typical Monday made a turn for the worst the instant I pulled into my driveway.  I lost my best friend, my fiance, and the person that could make me smile no matter the kind of mood I was in. There's so many times I think back to the events of that week and question if all of that really happened. I NEVER dreamed that at the age of 26 I'd lose the person that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  How unfair. 

These past 6 months have been very trying and I feel like I've just been an emotional roller coaster. Some days I accept what happened and thank God for the years, months, weeks, days, hours, and seconds that I had with Robert because he truly was an angel sent into my life. Then there's days that I'm angry. Crying and screaming at God for taking him and Robert for leaving me.  Other days, I'm just plain sad.  Sad that he's gone, sad for all the things we didn't get to experience together, and sad that I have to live the rest of my life here on earth without him by my side.  That's such a hard concept to grasp. 

I've experienced emotions that I never thought I'd have.  The biggest being jealousy. I've never been a jealous person, but grief has brought that into my life. Jealous of those that get to get married and live their happily ever after. Jealous of those that get the chance to start a family by having a child together. I hate feeling jealous, but there's days that I just can't help but feel that way. I can only hope that this feeling will fade with time.

If it was up to me, I'd say that I've been dealing with this tragic event as well as I could. I've found a reason to get out of bed every morning (and sometimes that's a struggle). I've continued to go to work and try my best. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm giving my job my all at this point, but again, this loss has just affected every part of my life. 

I feel like I owe a HUGE thank you to all of my family which definitely includes my in-laws (Robert's family) and all those friends who have been here to give hugs, kleenexes, and just listen to me go on and on and on about Robert. It's comforting to me to talk about him, and I'm sure some people get tired of hearing about it.  Making the drive to see Robert's family and friends helps me more than any of them will ever know.  It's comforting for me to go over there and have nothing but memories of Robert while I'm there. They are all I have left of him, and I will spend as much time as I can over there.

A year ago this past weekend, Robert and I were in his hometown taking our engagement pictures. We were so happy to be planning this wedding (Robert probably not happy for the planning part, just the beer and being married) and looking forward to many wonderful years together and starting our own family. I just can't believe how much life can change in a year. 

Just remember, life is short.  You never know when your (or a loved one's) last day on this earth will be. Cherish all of the moments you have with family and friends. Live with no regrets. Let go of anger inside of you. Live like this could be your last day on earth. Most importantly, never miss the chance to tell someone just how much you love and appreciate them. 

Miss this man each and every day!

"Sometimes life gives us what feels like only little time with ones we love...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a life time... And whenever I start feeling sad because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.”