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Dear Robert,

I just can't believe that today marks two years.  TWO YEARS!  We were only together for a little over 2 years, so I've almost reached the point of being without you longer than I was with you. To be honest that's a "heart-crushing" thought. What keeps me going is knowing that I am not (nor will I ever be) truly living without you. It still amazes me every day the impact that you had in my life in those short 2 or almost 3 if you count the WHOLE time we "talked" years.  God truly had a plan when He guided us towards each other.

It's been quite a year without you...

First, Babies and you know how much I love babies.
-Miss Brynzlee graced us with her presence just days before your 1 year anniversary in Heaven, and spending those few weekends with her during her first month of life were what helped carry me through. This precious gift came at just the right  moment!
-Mr. Kaz Robert, your first nephew,  joined this world in November. This handsome boy captured my heart first from pictures, and then when I first held him on Thanksgiving.  I know just how special this little man would be to you, and he's even starting to look like you.  What a lucky boy! :)

I know just how much you'd adore these two ... and can only imagine what you'd be teaching them!

 

Second, Weddings!

-I was lucky enough to stand up with Doug and Chelsea at their wedding. Your presence was very apparent at that wedding. There was a moment of pure heartache that hit me during the wedding thinking that I should've been the one becoming "Mrs. Connor". I'm so honored that Doug and Chelsea asked me to be a part of their special day!  And there was that special dance that Doug picked out for him and I.... let's just say hearing "The Dance" and dancing with your brother ..... made me break down to my ugly cry face.
-Then came Amy and Tyler's wedding ... another day full of emotions for me. You should've been there ... You were there to coax Amy into giving Tyler a chance, so it only seems fair that you should've been there to celebrate them becoming husband and wife.  You would've been on Amy's tail about her wedding craziness ... and been there to support Tyler when she got a little "out of control". I couldn't be more proud to stand up as Amy's maid of honor, and let me just say, that I rocked the speech (thanks to a little or a lot of liquid encouragement).  You would've been proud!

Third, your Mom. 
Getting a call the Saturday after Thanksgiving that your Mom was being taken by ambulance to Champaign because she was full of infection was a very, very scary time. What did I do first? Run upstairs to tell my Mom, hug her, and cry.  How could this happen to your sweet Mom. She is the lady that has became just like a second mother to me and who has been there to support me at my lowest points. I'm so thankful that Aunt Debby called me to keep me informed and even more thankful to be there to support your Mom through this long, drawn out hospital stay.  I sure enjoyed our (almost) weekly visits in which we chatted.  You were brought up soo many times. Many, many prayers were said for her and I know through your support as well, she is getting better! She (along with all your precious family) was even able to make a trip to Decatur for Easter, and that meant SOO much to me! I cherish all the time I can get with the Connor's!

Fourth, your girls.
You left some very, very special little "nieces" -Peyton, Sawyer, and Addison. Can you believe that Miss Peyton started kindergarten? I was lucky enough to keep her and Sawyer overnight this summer, and let me just say, I had a blast!  You would've LOVED it!!  Little Miss Addison is still sassy (they say she gets it from me?!?!) but she's just the cutest AND she became a big sister to Rinley, who you would also adore.  I was able to visit with all of these sweet girls and their parents during visits in March.  Miss Paislee has also joined the Pollert family now, and I'm anxiously awaiting my visit to meet her for the first time!!! How lucky am I to inherit you're wonderful family and friends?!?!

Year 2 has seemed "easier" than year 1.  I still miss you, but I've just learned to push on through the heartache. I have to thank you for giving me the will to enjoy Christmas this year although I cried putting the tree together.  It brought me back to the day we went to buy a tree and you were sooooo excited. I think the exact words were "I don't care if you get a tree ... but if you put it up  by yourself.. you're taking it down by yourself."  Your love for Christmas just glowed bright through your words... ha!

<3

Two years ago today, my world came crashing down, and I honestly thought it was over... I didn't know where to look next.  In the last two years, I've realized that I can (and have to) move forward. I still miss you every day.  I promise to continue living and making you proud. When I'm down, I try to pick my head up knowing that you're looking out for me. I'm confident in knowing you would want me to find happiness. I'm just thankful to have you supporting me along the way.

I heard the song "Beer with Jesus" the other morning, and just pictured you up there enjoying beer with him.  Put in a good word for me while you're talking to him!

Love you to inifinity and beyondest forever and always,

Erin

Reminiscing

The week has arrived.....  The week that will play through my mind over and over for many years to come. 

The week that started with our last weekend of fun, buying a lawn mower, registering for the wedding, and spending some precious time together and ended with laying Robert in his eternal resting place .....

Tonight, I pulled out some of my "keepsakes" just to reminisce.  It's hard to lose your best friend, but you know what makes it easier?  Having many, many people there to support you and pick  you up when you fall.  I never realized how big my support system was until this moment, and wow!  I'm such a lucky girl!

These "keepsakes" consisted of:

Sweet, sweet cards from Hope Academy students

See what I mean about sweet?

 

Our wedding guestbook, that turned into the funeral guestbook ......

Cards from those wonderful people who sent caring words and were there to support me

One card in particular that just stands out to me

Some may ask why I keep all of this, but I find it so comforting to turn to at moments when I get sad.  Yes, I may have lost my very best friend, but it helps me remember that he's the lucky one.  He gained his angel wings and was finally able to meet my Dad!  Also, these "keepsakes" show me just how many people were there for me at a very low, low time in my life.

It's such a "pick me up" to remember how many people truly cared and reached out to me at that time. 

Hoping I can be that person to ALL of them when needed.  Sticking together is what helps us make it through.

Thank you to everyone who supported me then and continues to now!  I truly and greatly appreciate it!

Ode to My Sister

To many of you or all of us, today is tax day, but more importantly ... today is Mrs. Amy Roe Jones' 32nd birthday!
 
In honor of her 32 years, I thought I would share 32 pictures (in no particular order) of this  wonderful person that I call my sister!

 

Only "we" would bustle a dress in QT

God truly knew what He was doing when He made Amy and I sisters.  He knew that I would need her support, encouragement, listening ear, fighting side, and everything about her in my life.

Amy, I'm truly thankful for everything you are to me, and I cherish every minute that we get to spend together.

Here's to many more crazy times! 

Happy Birthday!!

April

How can it be April already? 

This is definitely a month full of memories for me ... some good and some just plain terrible. 

It's so hard to believe that it's approaching the 2 year anniversary for Robert.  This week I've been replaying our last months, weeks, days, hours and even minutes together. I'm so thankful to have those to hold so close to me.

I've seen two quotes shared on Facebook this week that have hit so close to home.

This rings so true to me.  I see it in many conversations of mine that turn into, "before my Dad passed away", "after my Dad died", "before losing Robert", and "after Robert passed" ... over and over and over.  Two moments in time that forever shaped the rest of my life.

I would be lying if I said this wasn't a fear of mine.  What scares me the most is losing someone else that I love. Losing the man that I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life shattered every part of me ... The thought of going through any of that again scares me.

On a positive note, my mother in law, Laury, was released from the hospital today after 4 months and 5 days in the hospital.  Praise the Lord!!  After many surgeries and even more prayers, she was able to "break free".  She still has a road of recovery ahead of her, so keep on praying! 

Also, little Miss Brynzlee will be celebrating her 1st birthday this month!  Can't wait to celebrate with her.

Here's to holding memories very close to my heart this month!

How a Nursing Home is like a College Dorm....

After a visit to a nursing home today to see my sweet Grandma (in-law), I kept thinking back to my college dorm life and thinking of the similarities. 

1. You have your own "nook".
You have your own little space in the room where you can hang pictures, posters, or anything else up to show that this is YOUR space. Make sure to keep these close to your bed so that is the last thing you look at before you go to sleep.

2. Roommates
You're lucky enough to live in the same room as another person. This may work out to your advantage, or not.  You're lucky if it's a friend or someone that you enjoy spending time with .... you're not lucky if it's someone that doesn't stop talking, is not on the same sleep schedule, or just plain ANNOYS you.

3. Dining Hall
Whether it's breakfast, lunch, or dinner, all you have to do is go to the nearest dining hall for some food.  It may not be what you enjoy eating, but you don't have to cook it or clean up after it.  Score!

4. Someone in Charge
You have these nurses (or RA's) to come in and check on you whenever needed. They're job is to make sure you stay under control, and aren't breaking too many rules.

5. Your loved ones abandon you.
Your loved ones will come visit, spend some time with you, and may even take you off the premises ..... but at the end of the day, you always end up back in that same "nook" in the same bed with the same crazy roommate(s)!

There's nothing quite like a nursing home visit to inspire a blog post. This poor "roommate" of Grandma's was very worried about paying insurance bills today.  She asked me at least 15 times while I was there if I would be working tomorrow because she needed to write me a check for what she owed me.  The conversation between her and Grandma was quite the sight to see!

Seeing Grandma always makes my heart happy!  This is the first time I've been to see her by myself, and it was the true test to see if she knew who I was.  It took a little bit but she definitely remembered me as an association to Robert.  She is the sweetest lady, and she means so much to me.

I took her a copy of this picture today, so she'll always have Peanut to look at :)

God bless those  people who work in nursing homes! I'm not sure I could do it although I work with 5 and 6 year olds each day, and their similarities may just make for another blog post!

Catching Up

I've been putting this blog on the back burner for the past couple of months.  I always have wonderful blogging ideas pop into my head, but I can never seem to find the time to document. I guess I've made progress in thinking that I don't always turn to this is my very low points as I did when I started this blog.

Weeks are crazy, weekends are even crazier and it seems I don't have much time to sit down and just write ... but get ready for true honesty....

This week has been so full of emotions for me.  I've cried more tears this week than I have in quite some time.  Why, you ask?  I wish I had the answer. 

Saturday, I went to the hospital to visit Laury after not seeing her for two weeks.  I walked into the room to her sitting in a recliner with the tv on and a smile on her face.  This one small moment meant so very much to me.  This is a woman that I love so dearly.  She means the world to me and I value everything about her and everything she is to me. She has been in the hospital for 3 and 1/2 months and I do believe Saturday was the most positive and upbeat that she has been since she went in there.  I also was able to watch her stand up from the chair (using a walker) and make it to the bed with very little help.  Last time I saw her stand up was a couple months ago and she had one person on each side to help her and she was SOO nervous.  The strength she's grown since then is just wonderful!  I can't wait until the day I can say she is leaving the hospital.  This has been a very long, long couple of months for her, but I know she will bounce back stronger than ever.  She is loved by many, many people and has 2 of the greatest Angels on her side!

I also visited some of Robert's (and my) friends this weekend.  I have not seen them since October and I missed them and their girls so much.  We were able to catch up and they showed me their new house.  I value the time I spend with them as well. I met them through Robert, but they continue to be wonderful friends and supporters to me. As soon as I pulled off of their street to head home, the tears just started flowing.  And the was the beginning of these emotions .... Being around them makes me miss Robert. I miss his presence, I miss having a driving buddy, and I just miss him.  Simple as that.

This week has been very trying for me.  I've been cussed out by a student (not one of mine) and felt disrespected by others. I've been working long days to get caught up and just feel like I'm wearing so thin..... 

When days like this start to get to me, I just have to remember my purpose.  I have 23 sweet kinders that greet me each day.  They test my patience at times but they are also there to hug me when I'm sad and worry when I'm gone.  Just this week, one student begged his mom to come to school because he "missed Ms. Roe and wants to learn". That, my friends, is what keeps me going. 

I also stayed at school until 6:30 tonight in hopes of getting some work done.  Did I get a lot accomplished? No!  But I did get to talk to some amazing coworkers who listened and shared their frustrations as well.  Thank goodness we have each other for support ... because some days I feel like that's all we have.

These little things seem to get me down until I stop and think.  I woke up this morning and my heart is still beating.  That, I must be thankful for because unfortunately, there are some people that have their life swept away from them way too soon.  I must find it in me to be thankful for the life I've been given and carry on with my head held high and finding the joy in each day.

Thank you, Robert, for helping and guiding me each day!

Life Happens

Every time I thought to sit down and write a post .... life happened!
 
Last week, I had the perfect post all written (in my head, of course) and that didn't seem to get me anywhere.  So here it goes ...
 
I had 2 evenings in a row last week that had Mr. Robert William Connor shining his light so bright.  I felt him so very close to me that at times it brought tears to my eyes.

 

Bryn says, "Mom, can I please stay with Erin a little longer ... I just LOVE her!"

One evening, my Mom and I, with Brynzlee in tow, drove to the famous Beef House to meet my brother Nathan, SIL, Robert's brother Jake, his girlfriend and their son Kaz for dinner.  We met to "give back" Bryn even though if it was up to me, I would've kept her just a little longer (although I know her Mom wouldn't allow that)! There was a moment during that dinner that I looked around the table at all of these members of my family and felt so very blessed.  The moment that I had both Bryn and Kaz in my hands, I couldn't help but think how proud Robert is of these two very special babies and how he was the lucky one that held them in his arms before sending them here to join us. These two children are two of the reasons that keep me going each day. They are gifts from God that comfort me and help me cope through losing my best friend. 

Proud aunt with Bryn and Kaz

The next evening, 4 of my wonderful friends from college and I met up in Sprinfield for dinner. We usually try to see each other at least twice a year, and this was a special added on visit.  My precious friend, Courtney, tragically lost both of her parents a week apart from each other this past fall.  All of us girls wanted to get together to help lift her spirits a bit. I can't even begin to describe how much I enjoyed the talks we had in the car on the way to Springfield and on the way home.  It's so comforting to discuss feelings, cry, and simply be true with each other.  Grief is hard.  That's the end of the story.  Everyone grieves differently and you never know when it's going to come back at you.  Through our talks, I felt I've moved farther in my grief journey to discuss matters with her, but I also felt she helped me so much.  As much as I hate having grief in common, it's so nice to have someone so close to have these discussions with.  Sometimes you just need an outlet to talk to.  Of course, I enjoyed visiting with the 3 other wonderful ladies that evening! We need dinner dates a little more often. 

Some pretty amazing ladies

 

Gotta have the selfie :)

After these two evenings, I just couldn't help but be thankful for all that God has blessed me with.  I try to choose life and happiness most days to help me continue to move through my journey.  Two nights full of a table of family and a table of close friends were what I needed to help me realize the gifts God has given me. It reminds of the song my Martina McBride "Anyway"

"God in great but sometimes life ain't good.
When I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should.
But, I do it anyway"

Martina is right, sometimes life just sucks, but we have to pick ourselves up. We must focus on the positives and choose to live.  After all, we're only given one life to live!