Reminiscing

The week has arrived.....  The week that will play through my mind over and over for many years to come. 

The week that started with our last weekend of fun, buying a lawn mower, registering for the wedding, and spending some precious time together and ended with laying Robert in his eternal resting place .....

Tonight, I pulled out some of my "keepsakes" just to reminisce.  It's hard to lose your best friend, but you know what makes it easier?  Having many, many people there to support you and pick  you up when you fall.  I never realized how big my support system was until this moment, and wow!  I'm such a lucky girl!

These "keepsakes" consisted of:

Sweet, sweet cards from Hope Academy students

See what I mean about sweet?

 

Our wedding guestbook, that turned into the funeral guestbook ......

Cards from those wonderful people who sent caring words and were there to support me

One card in particular that just stands out to me

Some may ask why I keep all of this, but I find it so comforting to turn to at moments when I get sad.  Yes, I may have lost my very best friend, but it helps me remember that he's the lucky one.  He gained his angel wings and was finally able to meet my Dad!  Also, these "keepsakes" show me just how many people were there for me at a very low, low time in my life.

It's such a "pick me up" to remember how many people truly cared and reached out to me at that time. 

Hoping I can be that person to ALL of them when needed.  Sticking together is what helps us make it through.

Thank you to everyone who supported me then and continues to now!  I truly and greatly appreciate it!

Ode to My Sister

To many of you or all of us, today is tax day, but more importantly ... today is Mrs. Amy Roe Jones' 32nd birthday!
 
In honor of her 32 years, I thought I would share 32 pictures (in no particular order) of this  wonderful person that I call my sister!

 

Only "we" would bustle a dress in QT

God truly knew what He was doing when He made Amy and I sisters.  He knew that I would need her support, encouragement, listening ear, fighting side, and everything about her in my life.

Amy, I'm truly thankful for everything you are to me, and I cherish every minute that we get to spend together.

Here's to many more crazy times! 

Happy Birthday!!

April

How can it be April already? 

This is definitely a month full of memories for me ... some good and some just plain terrible. 

It's so hard to believe that it's approaching the 2 year anniversary for Robert.  This week I've been replaying our last months, weeks, days, hours and even minutes together. I'm so thankful to have those to hold so close to me.

I've seen two quotes shared on Facebook this week that have hit so close to home.

This rings so true to me.  I see it in many conversations of mine that turn into, "before my Dad passed away", "after my Dad died", "before losing Robert", and "after Robert passed" ... over and over and over.  Two moments in time that forever shaped the rest of my life.

I would be lying if I said this wasn't a fear of mine.  What scares me the most is losing someone else that I love. Losing the man that I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life shattered every part of me ... The thought of going through any of that again scares me.

On a positive note, my mother in law, Laury, was released from the hospital today after 4 months and 5 days in the hospital.  Praise the Lord!!  After many surgeries and even more prayers, she was able to "break free".  She still has a road of recovery ahead of her, so keep on praying! 

Also, little Miss Brynzlee will be celebrating her 1st birthday this month!  Can't wait to celebrate with her.

Here's to holding memories very close to my heart this month!

How a Nursing Home is like a College Dorm....

After a visit to a nursing home today to see my sweet Grandma (in-law), I kept thinking back to my college dorm life and thinking of the similarities. 

1. You have your own "nook".
You have your own little space in the room where you can hang pictures, posters, or anything else up to show that this is YOUR space. Make sure to keep these close to your bed so that is the last thing you look at before you go to sleep.

2. Roommates
You're lucky enough to live in the same room as another person. This may work out to your advantage, or not.  You're lucky if it's a friend or someone that you enjoy spending time with .... you're not lucky if it's someone that doesn't stop talking, is not on the same sleep schedule, or just plain ANNOYS you.

3. Dining Hall
Whether it's breakfast, lunch, or dinner, all you have to do is go to the nearest dining hall for some food.  It may not be what you enjoy eating, but you don't have to cook it or clean up after it.  Score!

4. Someone in Charge
You have these nurses (or RA's) to come in and check on you whenever needed. They're job is to make sure you stay under control, and aren't breaking too many rules.

5. Your loved ones abandon you.
Your loved ones will come visit, spend some time with you, and may even take you off the premises ..... but at the end of the day, you always end up back in that same "nook" in the same bed with the same crazy roommate(s)!

There's nothing quite like a nursing home visit to inspire a blog post. This poor "roommate" of Grandma's was very worried about paying insurance bills today.  She asked me at least 15 times while I was there if I would be working tomorrow because she needed to write me a check for what she owed me.  The conversation between her and Grandma was quite the sight to see!

Seeing Grandma always makes my heart happy!  This is the first time I've been to see her by myself, and it was the true test to see if she knew who I was.  It took a little bit but she definitely remembered me as an association to Robert.  She is the sweetest lady, and she means so much to me.

I took her a copy of this picture today, so she'll always have Peanut to look at :)

God bless those  people who work in nursing homes! I'm not sure I could do it although I work with 5 and 6 year olds each day, and their similarities may just make for another blog post!

Catching Up

I've been putting this blog on the back burner for the past couple of months.  I always have wonderful blogging ideas pop into my head, but I can never seem to find the time to document. I guess I've made progress in thinking that I don't always turn to this is my very low points as I did when I started this blog.

Weeks are crazy, weekends are even crazier and it seems I don't have much time to sit down and just write ... but get ready for true honesty....

This week has been so full of emotions for me.  I've cried more tears this week than I have in quite some time.  Why, you ask?  I wish I had the answer. 

Saturday, I went to the hospital to visit Laury after not seeing her for two weeks.  I walked into the room to her sitting in a recliner with the tv on and a smile on her face.  This one small moment meant so very much to me.  This is a woman that I love so dearly.  She means the world to me and I value everything about her and everything she is to me. She has been in the hospital for 3 and 1/2 months and I do believe Saturday was the most positive and upbeat that she has been since she went in there.  I also was able to watch her stand up from the chair (using a walker) and make it to the bed with very little help.  Last time I saw her stand up was a couple months ago and she had one person on each side to help her and she was SOO nervous.  The strength she's grown since then is just wonderful!  I can't wait until the day I can say she is leaving the hospital.  This has been a very long, long couple of months for her, but I know she will bounce back stronger than ever.  She is loved by many, many people and has 2 of the greatest Angels on her side!

I also visited some of Robert's (and my) friends this weekend.  I have not seen them since October and I missed them and their girls so much.  We were able to catch up and they showed me their new house.  I value the time I spend with them as well. I met them through Robert, but they continue to be wonderful friends and supporters to me. As soon as I pulled off of their street to head home, the tears just started flowing.  And the was the beginning of these emotions .... Being around them makes me miss Robert. I miss his presence, I miss having a driving buddy, and I just miss him.  Simple as that.

This week has been very trying for me.  I've been cussed out by a student (not one of mine) and felt disrespected by others. I've been working long days to get caught up and just feel like I'm wearing so thin..... 

When days like this start to get to me, I just have to remember my purpose.  I have 23 sweet kinders that greet me each day.  They test my patience at times but they are also there to hug me when I'm sad and worry when I'm gone.  Just this week, one student begged his mom to come to school because he "missed Ms. Roe and wants to learn". That, my friends, is what keeps me going. 

I also stayed at school until 6:30 tonight in hopes of getting some work done.  Did I get a lot accomplished? No!  But I did get to talk to some amazing coworkers who listened and shared their frustrations as well.  Thank goodness we have each other for support ... because some days I feel like that's all we have.

These little things seem to get me down until I stop and think.  I woke up this morning and my heart is still beating.  That, I must be thankful for because unfortunately, there are some people that have their life swept away from them way too soon.  I must find it in me to be thankful for the life I've been given and carry on with my head held high and finding the joy in each day.

Thank you, Robert, for helping and guiding me each day!

Life Happens

Every time I thought to sit down and write a post .... life happened!
 
Last week, I had the perfect post all written (in my head, of course) and that didn't seem to get me anywhere.  So here it goes ...
 
I had 2 evenings in a row last week that had Mr. Robert William Connor shining his light so bright.  I felt him so very close to me that at times it brought tears to my eyes.

 

Bryn says, "Mom, can I please stay with Erin a little longer ... I just LOVE her!"

One evening, my Mom and I, with Brynzlee in tow, drove to the famous Beef House to meet my brother Nathan, SIL, Robert's brother Jake, his girlfriend and their son Kaz for dinner.  We met to "give back" Bryn even though if it was up to me, I would've kept her just a little longer (although I know her Mom wouldn't allow that)! There was a moment during that dinner that I looked around the table at all of these members of my family and felt so very blessed.  The moment that I had both Bryn and Kaz in my hands, I couldn't help but think how proud Robert is of these two very special babies and how he was the lucky one that held them in his arms before sending them here to join us. These two children are two of the reasons that keep me going each day. They are gifts from God that comfort me and help me cope through losing my best friend. 

Proud aunt with Bryn and Kaz

The next evening, 4 of my wonderful friends from college and I met up in Sprinfield for dinner. We usually try to see each other at least twice a year, and this was a special added on visit.  My precious friend, Courtney, tragically lost both of her parents a week apart from each other this past fall.  All of us girls wanted to get together to help lift her spirits a bit. I can't even begin to describe how much I enjoyed the talks we had in the car on the way to Springfield and on the way home.  It's so comforting to discuss feelings, cry, and simply be true with each other.  Grief is hard.  That's the end of the story.  Everyone grieves differently and you never know when it's going to come back at you.  Through our talks, I felt I've moved farther in my grief journey to discuss matters with her, but I also felt she helped me so much.  As much as I hate having grief in common, it's so nice to have someone so close to have these discussions with.  Sometimes you just need an outlet to talk to.  Of course, I enjoyed visiting with the 3 other wonderful ladies that evening! We need dinner dates a little more often. 

Some pretty amazing ladies

 

Gotta have the selfie :)

After these two evenings, I just couldn't help but be thankful for all that God has blessed me with.  I try to choose life and happiness most days to help me continue to move through my journey.  Two nights full of a table of family and a table of close friends were what I needed to help me realize the gifts God has given me. It reminds of the song my Martina McBride "Anyway"

"God in great but sometimes life ain't good.
When I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should.
But, I do it anyway"

Martina is right, sometimes life just sucks, but we have to pick ourselves up. We must focus on the positives and choose to live.  After all, we're only given one life to live!

Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the ......

Roses .... Body wash.

That's right, I said body wash. 

While at Dollar General today to pick up a few essentials, I walked down the aisle and my eyes caught this ...

The first thought that came to me was "that was Robert's body wash".  And then it hit me, that stab right in the heart that just makes me miss him even more than I already do every day.

Do I dare just pull it off the shelf and smell it just one time?

Of course! And the smell brought it all back to me.  How the bathroom would smell after he got out of the shower and what I would smell while laying my head on his chest before going to sleep.

Then the thought crossed my mind, do I buy it just so I can have that smell whenever I want it?!? Well, I might be crazy, but I'm not quite that crazy.  I decided to take one or 2 or 3 whiffs before placing it back on the shelf. 

Walking away made me smile.  I just love the little moments that bring him back to me.  It's amazing that sometimes its simple little things that bring back a whirl of memories.  I am forever grateful for each and every moment.

In other news, I finally got my hands on a copy of a picture from the Connor wedding..

I bring you my wonderful, super, amazing, supportive, and awesome Connor family.  The people in this picture mean soo much to me, and I'm so glad we were able to capture this moment .. especially with sweet Grandma Smiley.  This family will always be considered my family and I love it!

My sweet MIL is still in the hospital.  She's moved to rehab and is getting physical therapy every day. I continue to pray for her strength daily.  Today marks 8 weeks since she went in the hospital and I look forward to the day we can celebrate that she's going home.

Stay warm!  This winter weather is killing me .... 2 snow days in one week and more negative degree weather ahead of us.  Come on Spring!!